Sister, get a grip on your life

They say you can say the same thing to 10 people and you will get 10 different things said back to you. People hear what they want to hear. Last week’s article was not a ploy to absolve men from their transgressions. Some people thought of it that way.

I have been accused of many things. My favourite accusation is that I incite women. I really hope I do. In fact, let me include “she incited women” to the notes I am making for the one who will have the privilege of writing my eulogy.

I have never understood society’s need to keep women ‘good’ and women’s obsession with trying to be ‘good’. I have said it before, there is no reward for being a good woman. You are better off being yourself. Whatever that looks like, the world will adjust.

A woman writes to her friend and says her husband of so many years has decided to marry his first love. He and his first love have children that, of course, she knows about. She is now asking what she should do.

I really get exasperated when free adults cannot make decisions about their lives. If you do not know what you should do, why are you convinced you should be doing something?

You know how the story goes, we count the number of years we have been married to someone, how many children we have borne him and his people, maybe we left a job or an opportunity to travel overseas to marry this cartoon. We think it should count for something, right?

We think that our sacrifices speak louder than our mouths could ever do. We think everytime he goes out he will remember that my boobs were perky before I breastfed him and his children. So when he is tempted to bring home a new wife, he just has to think back and will make the ‘right’ decision. I mean, surely he can see, everyone can see ala!

We refuse to speak up, we would rather be good. Old women attempt to comfort you by telling you one day he will remember, others tell you God is seeing (but doing nothing) and the ones nobody asked will tell you your children know the truth so you should not be worried. No one tells you everyone is living their lives, lives that they have chosen, even God. Everyone except you. And because you do nothing, you are a good woman. Basically, good women have no control over their lives.

Listen, stop living kijingali. You must have a say-so on what happens in your life. You are not a chicken. So he has decided to bring another wife, make a decision. If you stay, good for you. On what terms? Make them heard, loud and clear. Write an email if you must. If you want to go, do so when you are sure. Do not threaten to go hoping to manipulate the situation.

What we are saying is, have a bloody say. Do not get depressed and please do not start praying. The problem with prayer is you will keep looking to see if God has answered. (And you know the way those prayers usually go: May she turn ugly; may he get erectile dysfunction; may he feel pepper burning him when he enters her; fire fire fire!)

In the process of looking, you find that she has just given birth to a fat bouncing baby boy that he has named after his bow-legged father or that he paid for her trip to Dubai. Sister, you can only control your life. Your children will grow and go on to do their own things. You cannot afford to be the one who has no say in your own life. Waiting for your family, friends, church, husband, lover, children to decide and you sit there pretending to be helpless.

Oya! Make noise. It hurts, let them know. You are unhappy, raise your voice. The situation does not serve you, remove yourself. Something is not nice, say it as it is, stop sugarcoating things. What are you scared of? What could be worse than dying slowly when you are alive because you refuse to speak?

Even David in the Bible said when he was silent, his bones dried. (Maybe I should start a side hustle as a pastor, my sermons are fire!) You are an adult woman, you cannot be asking outsiders to make decisions for a life you are living. Take back your power. Speak!

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