- We did not sign up for this role. No one prepared us for the role of being just a wife, a starter.
- Not a lover or a soulmate. Just a wife to someone and the mother of his children.
I have often said if I was to come back again to this life as a woman, I would not get married as a first wife. I would probably be a fifth wife or a mistress. This first wife business is a major scam, but no one wants to talk about it. We still act like it is some reward or honour.
I read a tweet this past week that made me almost sit down on the floor. It was like being kicked, in the chest, by a donkey. You guys this life!
So the tweet, it was a thread but it said something like men marry women they can live with not necessarily women they love. They tend to fall in love later. Now before I continue, two things. This is something we know but we are not always ready to accept. The other thing is that obviously not all men. (Before you come for my neck and for anyone who may want to continue in their fantasy.)
I now understand why in the old polygamous situations, one of the younger wives was the favourite. Not because she was more youthful or beautiful, but because this was often the woman the man actually fell in love with. He did not hate his first wife, she was more often his voice of reason. The responsible one. More like a sibling he had grown up with. He loved her, but his heart was with the one he was in love with.
No one tells us these things and woe betide you if you marry your first love. For us, the women, we want the fairy tale. We expect that he is in love with us. He marries us for our calmness. Our simplicity. Yaani, wife material. We will give birth to good children and support him as he tries to get up whatever ladder he has chosen in life. We give him everything. Our youth, our body and soul. We give up a lot for this family unit, even comfort. We often start with him when he has nothing.
Then this bugger gets something, he is now someone in life, then he falls in love. Not with us. He finds the one. He is loyal to you. He will not leave you or your children. He will do right by you. But his heart, the only reward you want for all the sacrifices you have made, will never be yours.
I think the advice I would give to young women, choose the man. Do not wait like a mango to be chosen. Figure out if this is a man whose needs you can meet. Do not shout you want a monogamous man and you cannot meet his needs. This requires really studying him. Do you know what he needs beyond sexual needs? (We often use sex to bait men, but cannot keep up with it). If you do not have time for this, look for a divorced man or a much older man. The ones who have gone through someone else’s hands are easier.
The tweet thread had people, both male and female, understanding the “I am with her because of the children, it is you I love!” It actually makes ducking sense.
We did not sign up for this role. No one prepared us for the role of being just a wife, a starter. Not a lover or a soulmate. Just a wife to someone and the mother of his children.
Suddenly he is upbeat, he is listening to music that is strange to you. He has started yoga and cycles in Karura Forest on Sunday mornings. He is different. He is alive. He hates being reminded of where you both started. He wants to live in the now.
You? Well, you want to be part of it but you cannot. So you start praying. For that Jezebel to die or at least for her legs to fall off. You learn how to squirt and buy cobwebs that are supposed to be lingerie. You go to the gym and eat ice cubes for dinner. You think it is because your body changed. It was never you. You were just never the one.
The older generation could accept it. Now it is not too easy to accept. That is why we are not like our mothers and grandmothers.
I look at my three daughters and wonder how I will equip them with the truth without bursting their bubbles. Too much information is not always useful, life requires a certain ignorance to be enjoyed.
I think the advice I would give to young women, choose the man. Do not wait like a mango to be chosen. Figure out if this is a man whose needs you can meet. Do not shout you want a monogamous man and you cannot meet his needs. This requires really studying him. Do you know what he needs beyond sexual needs? (We often use sex to bait men, but cannot keep up with it).
If you do not have time for this, look for a divorced man or a much older man. The ones who have gone through someone else’s hands are easier.