Wife material label is a scam

I have never been an advocate of women killing themselves trying to please anyone. I say if you can afford it and it makes your life easier, by all means, get it. If you can afford to hire a maid, do. There are no rewards for chapped hands and exhaustion.

Outsource what you can but please realise you cannot outsource mothering or being a wife. (A wife is more than a cook or cleaner). Yes, you have a maid or a cook. Maybe both. You, however, cannot be oblivious to what is cooked in your house and even how people eat it. This is a side note.

A lady who had gotten so used to her domestic help got a wake-up call one day. Her husband woke her up to join him for breakfast. It had been a while since they had had breakfast together. She was almost always asleep when he left for work. She joined him at the dining table. The Aunty then brought the husband warm drinking water.

She asked her to bring cold, Daddy drinks cold water. Aunty said he had started drinking warm water because there was something wrong with his throat these days. Madam was surprised. Aunty then brought Daddy black tea. Seems he had stopped drinking milk tea.

Then Daddy said to Madam, “This is how women lose their husbands to their domestic workers.” He continued to state that Aunty meets him at the door when he comes home from work, takes his laptop bag, warms his food, prepares his bathwater, etc. He did still ended up cheating on her, but that is not why we are here today.

Daddy brought up a valuable point. “This is how women lose their husbands to their domestic workers.” When you stop doing domestic work, he looks for the next woman who will serve him. 

I was trying to advise a younger friend over the weekend who was having trouble with his meal plans. I said to him that he must either get cooked food from the food delis in the supermarkets or buy food from the market and then either cook it or hire someone to cook it, pack it up and refrigerate it for him. He said if he did all that it would be hard to get a wife. He would be too ‘self-sufficient’. Is this not where the problem starts?

Some men are looking for domestic workers, not mates or equals. The lady then comes to ‘work’. She does not know what she wants from the relationship or if they have any common interests beyond the bed and hospitality services she provides. Then one day she gets domestic help, now she has no useful contribution so she just lives her best life. The man then claims he was ‘neglected’, yaani, she did not open the door, cook the ugali, blow his food when it was too hot.

Really, most of us women take pride in that aspect of our contribution. Myself included. And it is stupid. I washed shirts, I cooked food, I scrubbed floors, I baked, I polished shoes. All our contribution to relationships is domestic work. Sometimes we graduate to wardrobe managers and maybe secretaries and glorified messengers. How much of our contribution is really unpaid labour? Is this why we are or can be so resentful when a relationship is over? (Manual labour with no pay is not fun)

Men get into relationships that serve them. I am not saying this is a bad thing, please. I am saying, women should put themselves first when getting into a relationship. What do you want for you, apart from offering unpaid domestic work?

As someone said, being labelled ‘wife material’ is a scam. You are being prepared for labour without love.

Listen, cook and clean if that is your love language. Do not go into a relationship because you think cooking and cleaning will preserve it. One day you will get tired, one day you will get a maid, one day he may cheat anyway and it will upset the hell out of you.

Meanwhile, domestic violence is on the increase. It thrives on silence. The silence of those of us around the abuser and the victim. We have talked about the victim and asked why they do not just leave. What of the rest of us? The abuser is not an alien, he or she is known to us. Why are we silent?

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