‘But I’m married’ is such a cliche

One of the most stupid statements I have ever heard is, “but I’m married”. Has it suddenly occurred to you? Are you trying to surprise us? Are you convincing yourself? Does it hurt? Do you need help? What could possibly be your problem?

Sometime last year I wrote about how to differentiate between a polygamous man and a promiscuous one. Last week I said men are selfish, which is not always a bad trait. We looked at it positively. But there is the greedy man. We call them mafisi, but he does not always look like a hyena. He is well dressed, well-spoken and has a good job and/or has a good hustle.

This is the man you meet and he tells you he wants to be YOUR man. He says it so well you do not notice there is no Y in that YOUR. He takes you for expensive lunches in his German machine. Orders expensive wine and knows a lot about whiskey. His watch could pay your rent and maybe service charge.

Before the unloved boys start screaming “golddigger!” “feminist!” from the holes in their faces, may I take this opportunity to say said lady, herein referred to as ‘you’, has a job and/or a hustle. She has a four-wheel locomotive that moves from point A to B. She lives in a decent house and can afford her lifestyle. Maybe has some children and/or pets. Maybe an ex or three. (It is not the kalongolongo you are used to)

So you finally think you are in a grown-up relationship. You ask him what he wants, and he looks deep in your eyes and says, ‘you’. You are too giddy with excitement to ask him what he wants to do with you. I mean, it could be to do laundry. Anyway, days turn to weeks. And you know the way we ladies like to build castles in the air. If only we could earn an income from it!

You know he is not wealthy and besides, you are not the type of woman to sit and wait for money to fall on your head. But you expect a small boost. This is (y)our man. He wants to be in your life. He wants you! Ala!

Because you are practical, you are thinking along the lines of maybe he gives you a cow and a small parcel of land to till. You could plant osuga. Everyone is so health conscious these days. You will sell them pretty fast and have small moneys to buy bread to eat with the milk you will get from your cow. (The real cow not the man, stay with me.) That way, (y)our man only has to worry about the big things.

Overnight, you have become a counsellor, nurse and his best friend. You know all the illness that bereft his mother of a comfortable retirement, you know his boss is a male private part, you know about his friends who tried to swindle him out of his share of the tender money. You know he prefers loose cotton boxers to briefs. In short, you are his priest. 

You realise, however, you are only taken out for the meals. You eat in nice places. He calls you to drink and fight over meat platters with his friends. There is a lot of activity but nothing of substance. You are too busy for your friends, you are eating and drinking way too much courtesy of him, the sex is not too bad, you find it cute that he gets so upset if you talk to another man (yet you say nothing when you catch him looking at another woman for too long) and worst, you are out almost every night.

Everyone, including you, thinks you are an item. This is not a bad thing. You want a man in your life. Some stability. So you decide to rewatch Act like a lady, think like a man, read the book and underline a few pertinent points with a red marker. Armed with the right words, you wait for an opportune hour to talk to him. It presents itself and you ask the man, “man, what are we doing here? Is this serious? Maybe it is time you walked an animal to my home.”

To which the man replies, “but I’m married!” Who are you surprising? You already knew, but is he just finding out? He is not polygamous, he is greedy.

Next time, ask questions at the beginning.

[email protected]