Talk with your son too about sex

When I was a young girl in my teens, my mother always insisted that I should never be in a room alone with a boy/man. She always insisted that I meet them in public places. One day I asked her what the issue would be if it was someone I knew.

I understood it if it was some man, I did not know but what if it was someone I knew. My mother replied that it did not matter. If I did not want to have sex with a man, I should not be in a room just with him. She always said ‘rolling on each other’ was not instant, it was a process.

In my young head, I thought it was really a lot of nonsense. Didn’t people have self-control? I certainly did.

As I have grown older though I have left childish thoughts and learnt a thing or two. I now understand why my mother said if you do not like a man, do not hang around him, if you do not want to sleep with a man, do not be in enclosed spaces with him. Now I know the body can betray you.

Let me explain my mother’s thinking. She always said women learn to love. If you hang around a man long enough, you stop noticing his big head, suddenly his bad breath has an aroma of mustard, which you like, his ashy hands have character and he is not stupid, just slow at grasping things but he eventually does. So, if you do not like a man on the onset, stay away before your head stops working.

You never just sleep with someone by mistake. Like all reactions, things will collide, energy produced to break bonds and form others. (So do not use the excuse that you slept with someone by accident. Men.) It is a process as mother said.

Picture if you will. You are in a room together discussing how paper is made. Not sexy at all. He stands to get a drink of water, comes back and sits closer to you. Your ears get hot. He says something and you laugh and touch his arm. You move closer to him.

Now you can feel your heartbeat in regions that are not near your heart, but they are pulsating. You kiss, you say no. He moves back. Your hand did not hear the no, you touch him and you are back to trying to merge your faces and one thing leads to another.

You get up feeling cold and realise you did the do. You did not mean to. It was not half bad and you think maybe you can manage him. He sees you out and you say you will call when you get home. You get home and send a text with many winking and blushing smileys. He does not reply. He never replies. Some girls move on, others cry wolf. Most of these cases of course never get to the authorities, they usually just get on social media. The remix version of course.

I am in no way excusing rape, so fall back those who have already started lighting their fires. I am trying to get you to see how things can go pear-shaped really fast and young lives can be destroyed. Work with me for a few.

I am a mother, I have a teenage son (I have daughters as well) and I worry. I worry about his hormones and those of the girls he will meet. I worry about what type of girls he will meet. So now I am also having the talk with my son. The talk my mother had with me.

Son, take time to know her, it is not an overnight thing. (If you are an old soul, you recognise Percy Sledge’s lyrics). I am constantly saying to my son, do not be in a room alone with a girl. Especially if it is a girl he does not know or a girl he does not like, like that. As much as we think we can control our urge, we know the practical part of that is not true. (No force required.)

We live in a time when we are trying so hard to correct wrongs that we sometimes see culprits where there are none. Some people take advantage of all the blurry lines. Many lives are destroyed. Let us teach our sons too on how to protect themselves. Otherwise, there is another monster we are creating by tackling only the girl end.