• A scarcity mentality has moulded our worldview
• Consequently, we end up mirroring the very patriarchal society we detest
“Teach yourself not to join the parade of souls who think picking themselves apart will make them a bit more lovable.”Questions for Ada by Ijeoma Umebinyuo
In an op-ed published in the New York Times titled 'Why women compete with each other', Emily Gordon states: “Women compete, compare, undermine and undercut one another — at least that is the prevailing notion of how we interact. It’s considered exceptional, or at least noteworthy, that famous women like Amy Schumer and Beyoncé and Taylor Swift acknowledge that other women are talented, and frequently work with those other women without, in most cases, being catty about it. This makes them feminist heroes.”
An unfortunate truth about the complex mother-daughter relationship is that hurtful words are often couched as ‘her best interests in mind’. A mother may often criticise her daughter’s physical attributes or compare her with her friends or siblings. The cruel stepmother, the hard to please mother-in-law and the antagonistic sister-in-law add to this unfortunate narrative.
Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers notes that women who are mean-spirited about other women were often raised by a mother who probably didn't like herself and didn't feel warmly towards women. When these girls join the school system, they either become the bullies or the bullied.
According to Research Fellow Alana Piper, sociological findings in the past decade have sought to demonstrate that bullying among girls takes the form of relational aggression-verbal and emotional abuse, as opposed to the physical aggression found among boys.
Hollywood has further propelled this narrative by creating shows heavily nuanced by female animosity. They are often characterised by name-calling, wig grabbing, back-stabbing and gossiping. Kenyans are also treated to their fair share of ‘girl drama’ by series such as Mother-in-Law and Nairobi diaries.
Cultural critic HL Mencken once defined a misogynist as a man who hates women as much as women hate one another. This hate transcends social spheres and permeates professional spaces as well. Many believe female bosses are tougher on women employees and reluctant to help others shatter the glass ceiling for fear of losing their own privileged position.
Mirror, mirror on the wall — it shouldn’t matter who’s the fairest of them all. Dammit Disney, we are all beautiful.Audrey Kabilova
A compelling school of thought that has been advanced over the years as to why women cut each other down is patriarchy. In a patriarchal system, men hold most power while women are largely excluded. For a long time now, women have been viewed as sexual objects, born to please men. If we find our value in men, our only threat and competition remain other women.
Conjured by Charles Darwin in the 1800s but popularised by British economist Herbert Spencer, ‘survival for the fittest’ advanced the theory that only individuals with favourable adaptations survive. In our context, and an addendum to this, if you don’t have these ‘perceived’ favourable adaptations, cut down those you think do.
In my view, a scarcity mentality has moulded our worldview as women. To think that there isn’t enough to go around. To cut each other down and justify it. To easily throw derogatory terms (whores, bitches etc) at each other. To cheer at the front but jeer at the back. To those who believe that for her to grow, you must diminish. To agitate for inclusion but practice exclusion once you get to the top. To mirror the very patriarchal society we detest.
It’s easy to get caught up in a single narrative, though, so allow me to tip my hat to the women who encourage, vouch for, uplift and root for other women. Have a drink on me. You deserve it.
Policy analyst.