FELGONAH OYUGA: Bad ‘man’ tips at bridal showers

'I do not know whether women set out to lie to each other intentionally or its misinformed women spreading nonsense.'
'I do not know whether women set out to lie to each other intentionally or its misinformed women spreading nonsense.'

If there is a place to listen to the most ridiculous things is at a bridal shower.

I do not know whether women set out to lie to each other intentionally or its misinformed women spreading nonsense.

So my friend and I were invited to a bridal shower. I have not been that amused in a while. By the way, I get the raunchy activities usually planned at bridal showers; girls just wanna have fun and what not. What I do not get is the education on marriage matters, or should I say ‘miseducation’?

My friend and I arrived early enough and set ourselves next to the wine and decided to listen in. What followed was rib cracking. In between the giggles, I really felt sorry for these young women. Reminded me of myself when I thought life was black and white.

So the ‘convenor’ of the bridal shower started off by teaching us how to ‘keep’ husbands. We were asked to first recognise that husbands were our firstborns! Listen, I am old school. A man is a man, not a boy. The idea of marrying a child does not sit well with me. Who will protect me? I am a vulnerable woman. This man I am supposed to treat like my child?

She then went on to say that the man should always find food steaming hot, the house sparkling clean, well behaved children (read quiet, daddy has had a rough day, you do not want him to go to the mpango’s house where it is quiet) and your hair must be prim, your body trim and always ready for a rumble in the sack.

Speaking of rumbles, it must be well choreographed. Rose petals and candles. Perfumes and oils. Styles and positions. Sounds and rhythms. Winding and thrusting. Everything must be perfect. No mention of enjoying yourself or orgasms. Purely performance. I was rolling my eyes so hard I thought they might end up at the back of my head.

What made us really laugh, apart from the copious amounts wine, was that we still think we can ‘keep’ someone: A human being. We cannot even “keep” our own children! Yet, we think we can make a marriage or a relationship between two people work purely on our own — without our partners input. Now a clean house is good, recommended even. Well-behaved children are a joy, a trim body may even be healthy and mechanical sex might be welcomed now that Samantha is a hit. Sadly, it does not ‘keep’ a man. Just do them because you want.

I feel you need less effort than what is prescribed in bridal showers and other such outfits to make your marriage work. Marriage is more than hot food served in different colour plates. That man could still leave you for a woman who cannot boil water. It is more than a pretty face and a trim body; your firstborn could leave you for a cross-eyed woman with a croissant shaped body. While sex is good, exciting even if you are lucky, it is not enough to ‘keep’ a man, vaginas are not unique to a few women. All you need is a man who wants to be married to you. As much as you want to be married to him.

We used to be told by enemies of progress that a man who gives you most grief is the man for you. Away with these end time propaganda. Find yourself a man who wants to be with you and live your life as well as possible. We are tired of constantly being given prayer requests for wayward husbands, who have not conformed, despite good cooking and life threatening acrobatics in the bedroom. I am sure God has more important things he would like to deal with.

Let us be each other's keepers. Tell your fellow women the truth. There is no prayer powerful enough, no food sweet enough, no sex style mind blowing enough, no house impeccable enough to make someone love you and want to stay with you. You might be convenient for a while, but even that runs out.

Let us love ourselves enough to want the best for ourselves and like someone said, know when to leave the table when we are not served what we deserve.

Please still invite me for bridal showers though. I like to laugh.