Dear widow sisters,
We are at the end of another bumpy year for many widows and their children. My work advocating and helping widows has shown me some of your hardships—and the uncertainty of the times for many of you as we head to 2023.
Many of us also are entering the joyful holiday season with worry. The burdens of going through life alone, including this time of year, can be traumatic.
There are many reasons why Christmas is hard on many widows. It is hard for me, too. Some, widowed in the last two years, are experiencing a new chapter of the never-ending cycle of grief. For them, the pain is very fresh.
For other widows like me, time has passed, but the grief remains. Even though it’s been 13 years, I get pangs of grief from time to time – often triggered by happy or sad moments.
Other times, it’s the insensitive comments, eg, ‘get over it, it’s been years’ – that friends and family say in innocent conversations that upset me, with them being oblivious to how the comments make a widow feel.
Social gatherings are trauma-trigger spaces – making a widow get lost, numb, and raw grief ignited. Such feelings are valid and legitimate around widowhood or any big loss – with time erasing modestly.
Sadly, those around us often do not seem to understand. They may say to let him rest in peace, that it shall be well. But how do I pick up my life and move on from it? I feel grief and the loss of love, an intimate partner and the father of my children. You may feel this, too.
How have I survived the 13 Christmas holidays? Here is my advice.
First, fight that desire to stay isolated. Take little actions to connect with others, such as making a call to a friend, going for a walk in your community, and visiting a family member.
When you get a chance to attend a social gathering, sensitise those around you to what widowhood is about. You are the expert in the room. Your words may help them to care and be sensitive, and even reduce conflict amongst couples – for death do people part, you are the case study.
Even so, I have been to some family gatherings where I have been warned not to talk about death and dying because people are only there to have fun. So, gauge, ‘pima temperature ya room’ – before you engage.
Avoid making guilt-tripping statements to make people feel sad about your loss and pain. Let’s be fair to those around us, for there are no easy words to say when death does lovers part.
Still, it is possible to offer a woman with a dead husband guidance that makes practical sense. Because, my experience tells me, no one intimately understands the pain of a widow or orphan unless he or she has personal experience.
You can also invite your deceased’s family to a meal or tea. I know some will not turn up – forgive them if they don’t – they are also coping with that same loss of a son, brother, uncle or whatever relation your husband represented to them.
Lastly, do Christmas your way, by creating new traditions and keeping some old ones that are trauma free. For me, I let go of so many traditions like going to get-togethers as they didn’t hold the same meaning anymore.
I must admit by missing nyama choma, community gatherings and vigil prayers, I embraced isolation as a gift. I read books, listened to gospel and lately I'm writing a book.
You can write letters to your late husband on Christmas Eve. Put those letters in a safe place – one day – you can turn them into a blog or a book. In that small way, he is still celebrating Christmas with you.
Meaningful actions and effort can bring a little smile back. Be kind to yourself.
Merry Christmas!
Founder and director of Rona Foundation, a grassroots organisation in Kenya that works to advance and protect widows' rights, as well as provide support to orphans and vulnerable children. She is a 2021 Aspen New Voices Fellow. @RoselineOrwa
