Love without labels: The high stakes of ‘come-we-stay’ unions

For Racheal Mumbi, however, the defining marker of her third decade was not celebration but survival.

Sitting in Ruaka, she reflected on a journey that almost broke her spirit- a ‘come-we-stay’ union that unraveled so painfully it nearly pushed her to the edge of sanity.

‎“When I first met my boyfriend, I was so emotionally scarred by family trauma- my hunger for feeling loved was insistent,” Mumbi said. 

‎Therefore, when a young, attractive man who was ready to spoil her with love swooped into her life, she felt like she was on top of the world.

After feeling like an outcast all her life, this was a welcome reprieve. Within three months of dating, she packed her bags and moved in with him.

Unbeknownst to her, this would mark the genesis of a tumultuous journey for her.

‎“When I moved in with him, I was kept in the dark about his intent of our relationship ultimately being a ‘come-we-stay’ union,” Mumbi stated.

‎The cracks began quietly. What started as sweet promises of love soon soured when her boyfriend slipped into a role of entitlement, expecting her to play ‘wife’ in a home where no vows had been exchanged.

Despite both of them working and splitting the bills, the unspoken rule was clear- the cooking, cleaning, ironing, and scrubbing all belonged to her.

‎“While I was breaking my back in the kitchen preparing dinner, he would be in the sitting room, feet up, scrolling and laughing at TikTok videos,” Mumbi lamented.

‎For the first year, she bit her tongue and played the part- cooking, cleaning, and carrying the weight of a ‘wife’ in a home built on silence. She convinced herself it was better to endure than to risk shaking the fragile peace of their ‘come-we-stay’ union.

However, by the second year, the mask of tolerance fell. When she finally gathered the courage to voice her frustrations, this ignited an argument that marked the beginning of a storm she could no longer contain.

‎“When he told me that a ‘come-we-stay’ union was the only kind of relationship a ‘broken’ person like me deserved, I did not need anything else to pack up my bags,” Mumbi said.

‎“The most daunting thing about that whole experience was the embarrassment I felt. I should have known better than to waste two years in that relationship,” Mumbi added.

‎The promise of freedom lures many into a ‘come-we-stay’ union. However, for some people, that sparkle fades fast when the realities of the relationship hit- revealing that liberation can come at a heavy cost.

Speaking from Thika, Nelson Wanjala, currently single and aged 28, revealed that his ‘come-we-stay’ three years ago is the reason why he is still diligent with his therapy sessions. 

‎“Since we did not have the finances for organising a wedding, we decided that a ‘come-we-stay’ union would be more suitable for us,” Wanjala said.

‎Though his friends advised him against it, he was headstrong in his decision because he believed the love between them was strong enough to weather any storm. The first few months were blissful without a hurdle.

However, by the sixth month, he began noting some peculiarity in his partner’s behaviour. Out of the blue, she would begin staying out late at night without informing him.

Since she was naturally introverted, this threw him for a loop. Whenever he tried to prod on her whereabouts, their conversation would always pivot to an argument.

‎“She would get defensive, claiming that if I did not trust her, then we should break up,” Wanjala stated.

‎Still deeply in love with her, he tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. However, he was soon to realize how naïve he had been.

One night, as he was busy nursing her hangover, she let the cat out of the bag that she had been cheating on him the whole time. Too stunned, he felt the world suddenly go still.

‎“Can you imagine she said that I had no reason to be upset because a ‘come-we-stay’ union was not a real relationship according to her?” Wanjala posed.

‎“Knowing that cheating was the one thing I would never stomach in a relationship, a breakup was inevitable,” Wanjala added.

‎However, not every ‘come-we-stay’ union ends in heartbreak. Some survive the turbulence, growing stronger with time and blossoming into love that feels as real and enduring as any traditional marriage.

In an interview in Membley, 40-year-old Salome Chebet shared that the foundation of their ‘come-we-stay’ union is what made their recent formal wedding possible. 

‎“While dating, neither of us was ready for the commitment that would come from a traditional marriage,” Chebet revealed.

‎Coming from divorced families, the reality of a marriage not working was too real for them.

Deciding to take the pressure off, they decided that a ‘come-we-stay’ union would be the best path for them. However, this union was not easy in the beginning.

‎“Since we both have fiery personalities, we were not willing to be the one compromising in the relationship,” Chebet mentioned.

‎The birth of their son also added another complexity to their relationship.

Coupled with the fact that they had poor communication skills, the responsibility threatened to crumble their relationship.

‎“What ultimately made us put the effort in our relationship was the realization that we were quickly heading down the road of a breakup,” Chebet explained.

‎“Even though we were capable of being each other’s dynamite, the love and chemistry between us was undeniable,” Chebet added.

‎Determined to rewrite their story, they committed to putting in the hard work their relationship needed.

By confronting old wounds and healing from childhood scars, they began turning the fragile hope of a future into something real and promising.

‎“I am happy that I did not give up on our ‘come-we-stay’ union- I would have otherwise gone through life without the love of my life,” Chebet said.

‎Just like any relationship, ‘come-we-stay’ unions have their own web of complexities.

According to Henry Mungai, a relationship expert, navigating a ‘come-we-stay’ union, also known as cohabitation, requires open and honest communication. 

‎Have open conversations about your individual needs, goals, and expectations for the relationship.

This includes discussing finances, household responsibilities, and plans for the future.

‎“Good communication means talking about your feelings and concerns whenever issues arise- bottling up emotions will be detrimental,” Mungai said.

‎Furthermore, a cohabitation agreement is crucial. A cohabitation agreement can outline how you will manage finances, property, and other aspects of your relationship, providing clarity and protection.

‎“If you share expenses, keep clear records of contributions to avoid future disputes,” Mungai expressed.

‎A strong foundation is the key to the success of a ‘come-we-stay’ union. Schedule regular time for activities that you both enjoy, fostering intimacy and connection.

Encourage and support each other's individual aspirations and personal growth.

‎“Learn how to solve conflicts amicably- lack of constructive resolutions can be the ticking time bomb for a ‘come-we-stay’ union,” Mungai reiterated.

‎‘Come-we-stay’ unions may not follow the traditional playbook, but their complexity is what makes them real.

Navigating love, commitment, and shared life in this way requires honesty, patience, and a willingness to redefine what togetherness means.

In the end, it is not about fitting a mold- it is about building a bond that works for the people in it.