Charity Nyambura, recently single, does not do butterflies. In a world
drunk on romance and obsessed with ‘feeling the feels’, she is the sober one at
this party – arms crossed, watching the chaos with quiet curiosity.
At just 24, the Westlands resident has already
decided that affection is overrated, a strange currency people throw around too
easily. Where others see tenderness, she sees theatrics.
Where others melt, she measures. And for her,
relationships are not built on hugs and handholding – they are built on
something far more practical.
“Growing up in a household that prioritized
affection, I was the odd one out of the bunch – there was a time my parents
thought that I needed therapy for this,” Nyambura said comically.
Even though she seemed cold to most people,
having a romantic partner is a milestone that she had always wished to achieve
since childhood.
Thinking that she would find a romantic
prospect by the end of her first year in campus, she was deeply gutted when
this did not pan out.
“All the guys I met made me feel like a freak
for not being a fan of affection – I was not willing to subject myself to a
relationship with that kind of mentality,” Nyambura stated.
Just as she was about to throw in the towel,
love came knocking unexpectedly in her third year in campus. At one of the
music club’s Friday meetings, a new member caught her eye.
Whether because of his appealing height or
dark features with a full beard, she felt an instant spark.
“That was the first man I was willing to move
heaven and earth just for him to notice me – perhaps this desperation should
have rung alarm bells in my mind,” Nyambura expressed.
Since she was one of the most skilled
guitarists in the music club, she was instructed to take him under her wing.
What began as casual interaction with an age
mate who had discovered his passion for music in life snowballed into a
relationship with flirty banter. Late-night cheeky conversations and hangouts
became their norm.
“It is no surprise that when he asked me to
be his girlfriend two months later, I happily obliged – I actually felt
honoured to have bagged such an attractive man,” Nyambura recounted.
However, within the first month, it was like
a switch flipped. The man who had initially respected her boundaries on affection
suddenly seemed irritated by her personality.
Her boundaries simply became the bane of his
existence. Completely thrown for a loop, she tried to get to the root of their
clash through civilized conversations.
“No matter how hard I tried, these conversations
were always counteractive – I mean, it is hard trying to converse with a brick
wall,” Nyambura said.
Despite her frustrations with him, she
decided to go against every fibre of her being by being more affectionate.
Not willing to lose her relationship, she
deluded herself into believing that her boyfriend would see how committed she
was to him. However, her efforts proved futile as the relationship continued to
deteriorate.
“What sent me packing my bags was when I
discovered that he had been cheating on me the whole time – I can’t believe I
tried changing myself for him,” Nyambura lamented.
From the bustling streets of Pangani,
35-year-old Jack Oriaso chuckled at life’s irony. By this age, he had expected
to be married with at least one child running around in his house.
Though single by choice, he admitted his
affection preferences might just be the quiet culprits behind his empty ring
finger.
Raised under the rigid rules of a military
household, he once swore he would write a very different love story from that
of his parents.
“In a house where the parents ruled with an
iron fist, leaving no safe space for being vulnerable, I counted down the days
to my 18th birthday looking forward to moving out,” Oriaso said.
Being naturally affectionate, his parents
often punished his vulnerability, claiming that it was a weakness, especially
for a man.
After his parents realized that he would not
budge, they decided to kick him out of the house one random night.
“Even though this was like another dagger to
my heart, the silver lining for me was that I finally had the leeway to do
whatever I pleased,” Oriaso stated.
Naively, he had thought that finding a
romantic partner would be easy enough. However, after two months of falling
flat on his face, the reality dawned on him.
Several women he had tried dating had told him
that he was ‘too affectionate’ for their liking. Though he initially brushed
this off as the women looking for a flimsy excuse for backing out of a second
date, the constant rejection brewed self-doubt.
“After being told constantly by your parents
and strangers that you are ‘too much’, you eventually start believing them – I
have since taken a hiatus from dating,” Oriaso expressed sadly.
“I do not even understand why people think I
am ‘too affectionate’, it’s not like I hold people at gunpoint just for a hug,”
Oriaso added.
In the early days, Sophie Mueni’s love life
felt like two dancers moving to different songs – close enough to touch, yet
always slightly out of step.
From their home in Wendani, the now
40-year-old smiles at the memory of those uncertain years, when mismatched
affection preferences cast long shadows over their future.
Back then, their romance seemed like a fragile
bridge swaying over a deep ravine, every step testing its strength.
“In the initial months of us dating, I was
fully convinced that my man hated me – why else would he not hold my hand while
we were running errands in town,” Mueni stated.
Since she is naturally affectionate, she
could not understand how someone could express love without affection.
For her, the minimal affection equated to
disinterest. Both of them being headstrong about their opinions, constantly
clashing was inevitable.
However, somehow, against the odds, they
found a way to meet in the middle, proving that different does not always mean
doomed.
“Though we are both stubborn, a breakup was
never on the table – this forced both of us to compromise and create a blended
solution that works for us,” Mueni expressed.
According to Charles Gitaru, a relationship
expert, communication about differences in affection preferences is vital for
the survival of a relationship.
When two people have different affection
preferences, whether that is how much physical touch they want, how often they
express love verbally, or how public they are about it – the key is to approach
the differences as something to navigate together rather than a flaw to ‘fix’.
Start by openly discussing each person’s
natural comfort levels.
“Instead of saying ‘I like more affection’,
explain what that looks like for you – holding hands in public, sitting close
on the couch, or sending affectionate texts during the day,” Gitaru said.
Likewise, ask your partner to describe what
affection feels comfortable for them.
This avoids vague expectations and helps both
of you understand where the differences really lie. It is equally important to
frame these conversations with empathy, not blame.
If your partner prefers less physical contact,
it is not necessarily a sign of disinterest – they might express love in other
ways, like acts of service or quality time.
“Conversely, if you’re the one who craves
more affection, that’s not ‘needy’ – it is simply your style of connection,”
Gitaru advised.
By recognising that affection styles often
come from personality, upbringing, or even past relationships, you can approach
compromises with more patience and less defensiveness.
From there, work on building a ‘shared
affection language.’ That might mean finding middle ground, your partner gives
you a hug when they get home from work, and you respect their space during
downtime.
Or you might schedule intentional moments of
connection, such as a morning cuddle or evening check-in, while allowing for more
independence the rest of the day.
“The goal is not to force one person to
completely adopt the other’s style but to blend approaches so both partners
feel seen and respected,” Gitaru reiterated.
