Bound by wounds: The hidden grip of trauma bonds in relationships

In the beginning, nothing sounds better than being in a relationship with someone who has also undergone trauma.

Believing that you are too ‘broken’ to be loved by anyone else, you become content with having someone who will at least not judge your trauma. By the time it dawns on you the complexities of being in a relationship built on a foundation of trauma bonding, you are most likely in too deep.

‎Amanda Mwende, single for a year, admits that losing her mother changed the trajectory of her life permanently.

Though her mother had been absent for most of her childhood, Mwende was happy that she reappeared when she was sixteen.

Growing up, she had always envied her friends who had mothers they could turn to for ‘girl problems’. Despite her father’s apprehension of Mwende being disappointed once again, Mwende chose to interact with her mother with a clean slate.

‎However, after only a month, Mwende’s mother disappeared without so much as a goodbye. Initially, Mwende had assumed that her father had finally gotten his way with chasing her away.

After further prodding, Mwende was hit with the hard truth that her mother was a drug addict and had continuously refused any rehab interventions.

Within two weeks, Mwende and his father received the news that she had passed away after an overdose.

Following her mother’s funeral, Mwende’s father insisted on Mwende joining a support group for children of addicts. Thinking that she would only go for the first meeting to appease her father, Mwende was surprised when a cute man greeted her during one of the session’s breaks.

Still emotionally drained, Mwende tried not to pay too much mind to this encounter. Nevertheless, after frequent encounters during those meetings, neither of them could go on denying the intense attraction between them.

‎A relationship that began as a companionship for people who lost their parents through addiction quickly morphed into yet another traumatic experience.

Still fresh in their grief, neither of them was emotionally stable enough to handle a relationship. Day in and day out, Mwende and her boyfriend would be stuck in a vicious cycle of arguing over the most trivial things.

‎“The final straw for me was when I realized that he had begun using drugs behind my back.” Mwende states. 

‎While in a boring afternoon class in a lecture hall, Dennis Wamanyala, currently single, did not think that sitting next to his crush would have been the genesis of a catastrophic relationship.

For two semesters, Wamanyala had been developing feelings for a certain classmate who seemed to have him in a chokehold. In that class, she passed Wamanyala a note telling him that he needed to finally talk to her after months of admiring her from a distance.

Deeply intrigued by her blunt personality, Wamanyala made sure to catch up with her after the class and ask for her number. After three months of being taken through a cat-and-mouse game, she finally agreed to be Wamanyala’s girlfriend.

Both afraid of vulnerability, their first weeks of dating were just full of lighthearted and surface-level interactions.

Nevertheless, they soon realised that they both came from dysfunctional families. Much to their surprise, this revelation seemed to bring them closer. By being together, they both felt like they had each found a person who could be their safe haven.

However, their bond growing stronger was only momentary. In a convoluted way, their trauma bond gave them the arsenal for hurting each other.

Afraid to be vulnerable to a healthy relationship, Wamanyala and his girlfriend began self-sabotaging using whatever means necessary.

We were each other’s dynamite, and ultimately, we were both willing to burn the house to the ground before ever committing to healing our trauma.” Wamanyala expresses.

Sharing with The Star, Josephine Laboso, single for seven years, details that the trauma bonding in her last relationship almost sent her to a psychiatric hospital. Meeting in a club, the last thing on Laboso’s mind was that the handsome man who had coyly approached her would end up being her boyfriend.

At a time when serenity encompassed her personal and career life, Laboso had been unwilling to alter anything because of a serious relationship.

‎However, on their third date, the man revealed that he had been physically abused by his mother throughout his childhood. This information further piqued Laboso’s interest because she had endured physical abuse from her father.

Unfortunately, in that moment, Laboso believed that meeting a person who shared a similar trauma was the universe bringing them together. Therefore, after he asked her to be his girlfriend, Laboso happily obliged.

The genesis of the relationship going downhill was when Laboso moved in with him. Though it had initially been her boyfriend’s idea, Laboso did not mind moving in.

Her boyfriend owning a luxurious bachelor in Westlands did not hurt. Nevertheless, after a month of living together, Laboso realized the predicament that she was in.

The physical abuse began with a slap across her face during one of their arguments. Completely appalled, Laboso stared at her boyfriend on his knees begging for her forgiveness.

Whether out of her deep love or fear of leaving a relationship that could potentially blossom into a beautiful one, Laboso decided to brush this incident under the rug.

For three years, Laboso endured different forms of physical abuse from her boyfriend. Without realizing, she had been shackled in a vicious cycle of toxicity. Like clockwork, her boyfriend would come back home in the evening in a drunken stupor.

Being triggered by the most minuscule things, he would begin beating, slapping, and kicking Laboso till he passed out. In a way, they were both emulating their trauma in real time, only now with her boyfriend as the aggressor and Laboso as the victim.

‎“The night he strangled me till I passed out, I knew that I had to leave for my survival—I could no longer wait for him to change.” Laboso tearfully recounts.

According to James Githinji, a relationship expert, a trauma bond typically follows a cycle and rests on an imbalance of power. When trauma bonded in a relationship, recognizing the bond for what it is and getting help may help you break it. Educating yourself is a crucial step.

After understanding what trauma bonding is, do an internal retrospection on the genesis of the trauma bonding between you and your partner. By identifying this, the likelihood of making the same mistake in the next relationship will be slim to none.

Furthermore, isolation is the biggest catalyst of strengthening a trauma bond. This is because by isolating yourself, you become convinced that your partner is the only one in the world who could understand and love you.

Do not shy away from confiding in your trusted friends and close family members. Sharing your experiences with people who understand and support you can be incredibly validating and empowering.

Sometimes, you need to forget how you feel and think of what you deserve—leaving a trauma bond does not make you a bad person.” Githinji emphasizes candidly.