As a parent, when you restrain and discipline your child, you want the best for them, guiding them to stay on the straight and narrow path, but it may produce a different outcome.
SM’s parents used the rod in restraining him from taking an interest in girls in his teenage years, but the well intended action drove him right into the arms of boys, a habit that morphed into a lifestyle that has seen him live a double life for decades.
In his adolescence, when he attempted to get cosy with a girl, SM’s parents, no nonsense disciplinarians who could not have any of it.
This was in the 80s when dialogue with children was extremely rare.
After sometime, SM had enough of the tough love. He decided to satisfy his sexual curiosity with fellow boys as a way of spiting his parents.
Decades down the line, the 47-year-old father of two teenagers told the Star his rebellious action saw him become gay and later settle into a secretive life as a bisexual.
“I did it as a way of spiting my parents. They were too tough and did not allow me the space to explore my adolescence and stopped me from getting close to girls, switching to keeping boys around me,” he said.
"They did not want me around girls, and so I turned to being with boys and that how I lured others into sexual relations," SM says.
"I was not groomed or sodomised. I became gay as a rebellion against my parents. I wanted to show them that they could not stop me from having sex early, however harsh they were."
In perhaps what could sound an alarm for parents to be extra alert in caring for their boys, SM said he often watched out for silent young boys who always kept to themselves and not outspoken ones.
“The outspoken boys can easily speak out. The silent ones are the most vulnerable and easy to lure. I would entice them into sleeping with me and with time make them comfortable into it,” he said.
SM, who asked us to hide his identity for his safety and that of his family, said he went on to be addicted to that lifestyle in his early 20s and almost came out of the closet but his desire for family made him think twice.
SM has been married for about 20 years and says his wife knows nothing about his lifestyle.
“Since I got married, I have worked hard to live a double life and I like it that way. She has never known that I am bisexual and I would never want her to know,” the Kisumu-based counsellor says.
“She only knows that I work as counsellor for people in the LGBTQ (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning or queer) community in Kisumu and helping them access medical help.”
SM remains committed to his wife, but sleeps with random men when out. Sometimes he travels to places as far as Mombasa or Siaya for such escapades.
“We know ourselves in the circle of bisexual men who are married and we sleep with each other but ensure no commitments. Commitments are every expensive to maintain and very risky,” he said.
He claims that he does not sleep with these men for money.
How has he kept his wife in the dark this long without giving a hint? SM says he ensures he leaves no chats on his phone, only consorts with men to avoid any suspicions.
“I often tell the men that I see that they don’t call me or text me, and because there is no strings attached, they don’t.”
But even with the best efforts, sometimes accidents happen, he says. At one point, he went to Mombasa to see a man but when he returned, he developed a sexual transmitted infection, something that caught his wife's attention.
“When asked, I told her that I had used a public toilet in town whose hygiene was compromised and it is where he may have got the infection.”
He quickly got it under control, thanks to a local clinic in the city.
The infection recurred weeks later but this time he was at work away from home. He told his wife that he would not come home because of an emergency.
Though he does not regret his lifestyle and how he developed it, SM believes that parents need to allow room for children to make decisions and explore life.
“People grow to make their own choices. Many stable family men are into bisexual lifestyle secretly and we know each other. Many wives are also into lesbian relationships without their husbands knowing, so there is need for understanding and tolerance,” he says.
Now that he is a father, how does he raise his teenage children?
"I try to explain to them that people are different and may explore different things. I also openly talk to them about all range of sexuality and sexual orientation, of course without giving a hint about my lifestyle."
As he grows old, will he settle his accounts with his wife someday? He says no.
"I will never tell her or my children. I don't want anything that can compromise my family or heritage as I grow old. We are a conservative society, remember," SM said.
