BRINGING SEXY BACK: Stop obsessing with ‘fireworks’

Stop trying to have passionate sex. Working so hard to make your sex passionate can be counter-productive.

I know it’s fun having it, but it’s not sustainable throughout your life. Don’t be frustrated when your body disobeys this type of sex because of physical health, hormone levels, medication side effects, psychological and social factors.

Redefining sex and focusing on emotional connection, alternative stimulation and patience is paramount. You need to intentionally start mixing low energy and high energy sex now because your body may not adapt during crises like stress. And again, passionate is nice but not as nourishing as what I’m going to share.

There is much more you can do than passionate sex. You can experience greater things. Have fun with it sometimes, but stop thinking that this is the best sex you can have. And once you understand this, your sex life will get so effortless, you will fit it in to your life so much more easily. You are going to have it more often and enhance the connection.

Passion is a great thing. The way we normally understand in real life, passion is this energy of life for something. Commitment, investment to something, dedication; we can be passionate about work, hobby, mission, and so on. In the area of sex, that is not what we understand by passion; it means something very different.

Passionate sex is one particular type of sex. When we talk about sex being passionate, we have a clear idea what it looks like: high-octane energetic sex, where you feel uncontrollable desire, so intensely turned on, all over each other’s body, grabbing and pushing each other with a sense of urgency, impatience, hunger. Importantly there is a lot of physical energy, activities, movements. You are very active, pinning each other down, ripping clothes off. Generally, we all have an understanding that passionate sex is something that looks intense.

We have designated this type of sex as the best we can have, or what is supposed to be our greatest experience. I’m not condemning it; it’s good fun when the energy is right, the mood is okay. It’s a hot sexy adventure, but it’s not sustainable, and not the most nourishing experience.

In our sex culture, passionate sex is worshipped, elevated and regarded as the best expression of sex. It’s seen as amazing because we love that intensity of sexual energy, of being hungry and desired.

NUTRITIOUS ALTERNATIVE

You don’t need to have passionate sex. You can have slower sex, with less effort, much more relaxed, and it will probably give you more, it will nourish you more, it will be a greater, richer experience for you, and it will feed you more.

This type of sex will actually leave more profound aliveness in you. When sex is slower and more relaxed, it creates the richest sexual energy. When things are slower, the body feels more connection, awakens more, becomes more sensitive. You are really able to give a good feeling, connect more and receive more energy, too.

There is something in that energy that feels more nourishing. There is more nutritious quality once sex is slower. When you consciously do anything slower in sex, it creates some sensations in the moment. You will always feel richer sex energy.

Passionate sex has that superficial intensity on the surface, but doesn’t have the depth, the richness of sexual energy you get in the body when you go slower. It’s just too busy, too hectic, with much ongoing but not much to gain. When slow, relaxed, you listen to your body and feel a lot. You can follow these feelings and take them in more. Being present in the moment, conscious of every sensation, is a good thing.

Connection, love, are clearer when sex is slower, with love flowing between your bodies. You can feel it as a powerful force.

Spassionate sex as something optional, not necessary to make good sex. Something you do only when you actually have high sexual energy.

Dagitari Waruinu is a sexologist

Contact: 0745506140

Social media handles: @Dagitariwaruinu