Dear Body,
We are very new to walking in love. New to forgiveness and acceptance. New to deep breaths and restful days. New to peaceful thoughts and blissful moments. New to harmony. The past three days reminded me why. We stood in the sun, face to face with every insecurity, every perceived notion, every dark reality, and we were grateful for the blessings she would plant in us.
We walked the earth planting ourselves in her deepest roots. We stood by the ocean, waves in our thighs and asked her to shoulder our burden of self. We looked at the moon and we saw ourselves. We listened to the ocean and we heard our voices. We closed our eyes and we felt our bliss. Sun, earth, water and wind.
Deep breaths as we held our inner child. Reminded her that we saw her, we loved her, we were there, in the glow of the sun, the clarity of the ocean, the melody in the wind and the firm of the earth. We were in the way the trees danced and in the way the ocean roared. We were in the rays of light glowing on our skin and in the bright of the full moon dancing in the dark.
We are so much more than the days we can’t wear our favourite dress because we are scared to remind the world we are fat. We are so much more than the pills swallowed and the food thrown up in an effort to make the world forget we are fat. We are so much more than the food not eaten, the outfits we never dared, the love we never knew, the acceptance we craved with enough appetite to stay fat.
Yet this letter is not to say that I don’t still struggle. That I won’t find myself body-checking, analysing, fantasising, wondering how we would look at the world if we weren’t fat. How we would feel to walk in love if we weren’t fat. I find myself obsessed with the word fat. What is fat? Am I fat? How can I be less fat? Did they call me fat? Do they think I’m fat? A vicious loop of realities that exists because I’m fat.
But now, unlike then, when we thought to hurt to punish, to hate, to hide, now we choose to be conscious. We choose to be present. We choose to feel shame, uncertainty, audacity, love, fear, ourselves. On the bad days, we remember who we are. A spiritual being, a sacred home and a steady navigator. So much more than the accumulation of food, so much better than the acceptance of ideas and so much bigger than the numbers on a scale.
It’s scary. This audacity to choose love. To choose self. To show up and take space. To exist in harmony and to honour and nurture our home. Thank you for always being flexible with me. For talking to me, for protecting me and for creating space for me to live within your walls.
We’re having so much fun.
Love, Misfitly
