How to regain your identity after childbirth

The best gift I can give to my child is being the best version of myself

In Summary

• I hired a life coach to get the help I need in my journey of self-discovery


I have lost so much of my identity before and after childbirth that I hardly recognise myself anymore. Yes, I am a wife and a mother, but is that all there is to life? Before there was a mother, there was an individual who had interests, goals and passion. I gave it all up with pleasure so I might stay home and take care of our baby.

Almost a year later, I have been yearning for my individuality again. I started realising that after taking care of my little family all day, I went to bed feeling unaccomplished. That even though I spent my days and nights taking care of our toddler, I still felt that I did not do enough. I realised that I hardly had time in the day to do something just for me. Whether it is an interest, a hobby or a job, I had stopped doing things that I enjoyed.

So much time has passed with me giving little attention to myself, I have lost interest in many things. I fail to identify hobbies and interests that I enjoy doing just for myself because there is not much time set aside for them. It dawned on me that even the things I enjoyed pre-baby are things I no longer enjoy because I have evolved as a person. I have changed, and I need to take time to know myself once more.

First thing I did was accept that I had a longing for an identity that was not tied to my husband or child or any family member. I yearn to be an individual again, and that is not being selfish. I have always believed that to make a marriage work, whole individuals need to join to make a unit. Other than the duties that have come with fatherhood, my husband has not lost much of his previous self. My body, my mind and my entire anthropological composition has changed. I have the yearning to get to know myself so I can be a better mother, wife and person in general. 

The second thing I did was to start analysing what parts of the old me no longer fit with my new identity, which interests are lost to me, and how my goals in life have shifted. Other than the constant feeling of fatigue, I began to notice that even during times I could relax, I had little or no interest in activities that once gave me joy. Finding an interesting thing to do had become a chore, and I would often just slump in bed.

The most important step I have taken to discover myself again was to seek professional help. I engaged the services of a life coach to get the help I need in my journey of self-discovery. I have chosen to take active measures into regaining even an aspect of my individuality. I firmly believe that my family would benefit from me more if I was a well-rounded individual with my own life and interests.

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