• Teach teens how to deal with peer pressure, new mums how to get their groove back
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In the 1998 film, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Angela Basset travelled all the way to Jamaica to meet a man half her age, who made her re-evaluate her desires. In any scenario when an older woman finds herself the subject of adoration by a younger man, she would likely regain the confidence she lost along the path to maturity. Women are their own biggest critics; we often find more ways to tear ourselves down.
When women lose touch with their sexual energies, a lot more elements in their lives will lose balance as well. For instance, if a woman does not feel attractive, she might lose her confidence, which in itself is a disaster waiting to happen. I am not tying women’s sexuality with their self-worth, but I cannot play blind to the reality that a woman’s sexual energy is at the very core of femininity.
A range of factors causes women to lose their ‘groove’ when it comes to sex. Various medical issues can keep women off intimacy with their partners. Physical factors like excessive weight gain and scarring can also make women shy away from being expressive with their bodies. Mental issues like PTSD will make many women recoil from sexual advances. The trauma of childbirth is perhaps one of the most popular reasons why women shy off sex.
For instance, here I am, almost six months post-partum, and finally, I am starting to feel a reconnection with my femininity. Not the femininity that is nurturing and motherly but that of a femme fatale. Since the third trimester of pregnancy, I lost all interest in being a desirable female. All I wanted was to reach to term and get the baby out of my body! By the time the baby came, sex was the furthest thing from our minds. We were too busy adjusting to our roles as parents.
Even as the recommended six-week wait period elapsed, we found ourselves too exhausted to think of sexual intimacy. As the scars slowly fade and the pregnancy weight very slowly sheds off, I find myself standing in front of a mirror, asking it the age old question, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, am I beautiful again?” It has to start with me appreciating the small bits of myself that I struggle to love on a daily basis.
When they tell you that a woman dresses up for herself, believe them. Women must feel their beauty and desirability first before they allow others to appreciate their sexuality. Slowly but surely, I am reconnecting myself with a part of me that was lost for many months. The fact is women do want sex as much as men, but our mental, physical and biological aspects must be in balance.
I know most of you are wondering what prompted a regular observer from a modest background to start talking about sex. I witnessed a discussion on Twitter this past week, where one person lamented at the insistence of sex talk on all radio shows in Kenya, especially during rush hours. I have been there; trapped in a matatu on a heavy traffic day in Nairobi, and a woman comes on the radio, stating, “Let me tell you, Maina…” Sweat slowly trickles down your brow as you scan the people around and brace yourself for the uncomfortable conversation of men, women, cheating and lungula.
Sure, we can talk about sex, but I wonder why nobody ever thought to have the sex talk that matters. Women after childbirth. Teenagers peer pressured to have sex too early. Sexual and reproductive health talks for women across the country who are suffering in silence and do not know the steps to take. Radio hosts, call male and female health specialists as guests on your shows and let them talk to us directly. Let us have the sex talk that matters.