Nobody saw it coming. That’s what makes the recent death of DJ Lithium by apparent suicide a shock to many, including his family and friends.
The disc jockey, whose real name was Alex Murimi, had worked in various capacities at Capital FM for eight years, before collapsing at work and dying at the hospital while receiving treatment.
“Alex was a kind, gentle and creative man,” wrote Nadia Favre on Twitter. “A patient producer and spectacular DJ. I will miss seeing his face every morning. Rest in peace, DJ Lithium.”
Such sentiments are all too common following the demise of an acquaintance. They are often accompanied by feelings of helplessness at being present as the deceased juggled life-changing matters, and all the while remaining ignorant of the impending signs of doom.
In his suicide note, Alex cited family issues as some of the reasons behind his passing, issues he most likely did not discuss with many of his friends or colleagues at work.
And herein lies the dilemma. Sadly, DJ Lithium’s case is only one among many in the dumfounding rise of cases of death by suicide among men. The results of various studies indicate that, although women are more likely to have suicidal thoughts, men are many times more likely to attempt ending their lives.
In both sexes, common reasons that lead to suicidal thoughts include mental health problems, bullying or discrimination, different types of abuse, bereavement, end of a relationship, long-term physical pain or illness, among others. Which begs the question, how is it women are able to deal with these factors better than men?
Unfortunately, other factors notwithstanding, we as a society are largely to blame. As long as the human race has been on earth, so have gender stereotypes. As recently as the 1960s, words like “stronger” and “weaker” sex had been taken by our largely patriarchal system to be normal descriptors of the sexes. That while it is okay for women to be sensitive and caring, men are supposed to be hardier, brawny, and able to handle anything life throws their way without so much as a whimper.
Women discuss anything and everything, especially with their gender counterparts. Society, on the other hand, presses the boy child to live up to the “stronger sex” expectations, thereby forcing him to never share his emotional problems because this will reveal his “weaknesses” and lower his stature. It is not uncommon to hear people compare a man who shares his tribulations to a “woman” or a “sissy”.
In some aspects, very few aspects at that, the idea of a man being stronger than a woman might be true. Sure, a man will lift a 50-kilo bag of cement with ease, or open a jar his wife has struggled with all day. Advancement in the scientific and medical fields have turned this “fact” on its head. For instance, infant mortality is higher in boys than in girls. This has been explained by sex differences in genetic and biological makeup, with boys being biologically weaker and more susceptible to diseases and premature death. Yes, girls are born stronger than boys, and it’s no wonder a woman’s life span is almost 8 per cent on average longer than a man’s life span.
With the advent of social media and electronic anonymity, men have been more forthcoming about their mental health struggles, and the dissemination of pertinent information has helped desensitise some of the detractors. However, the fact remains that Rome was not built in a day.
Our society, and by this, I mean the African society, in particular, has a long way to go in accepting the vulnerability of the male human species. Case in point, the mockery of a man’s cries for help on social media. Whereas a woman in similar circumstances will be directed towards helpful resources or offered words of encouragement, a man is told to “be strong”, to “quit whining”, or in some extreme cases of insensitivity, advised on various methods by which he could end it all. “I’ll buy you a rope,” wrote one man to another on social media.
It is ironic that we so readily say “Rest in Peace” to those who have died. The sum total of any human being’s experiences is here on earth. No one has an inkling of what the afterlife has to offer, let alone the certainty that there is “peace” where people go once they cross the bridge. That a person has reached a point in their life where they would rather face uncertainty than continue living, makes the matter of suicide that much more traumatic. Maybe instead of wishing that people “Rest in Peace”, we should strive to help them “Live in Peace”.
Of course, this is easier said than done, but although it took centuries to build Rome, its construction began with the laying of a single foundation stone. It’s about time we let our boys cry. Men suffer similar mental and health issues as women, and they should be encouraged to share their problems freely, without fear of being judged or teased.
Men need to know that is okay to be vulnerable, that there is nothing wrong with being in touch with their sensitive sides. Instead of condolences, let’s learn to read the signs when someone is not forthright with their feelings. To detect changes in their pattern of behaviour, change of mood and so on. To ask, “How are you?” and actually mean it.
Remember, all you can do is pay attention and be diligent since there is no blueprint to follow. People cry out in their own peculiar ways, but if you listen carefully, you will hear their pain.
“Alex… possessed an interesting ‘right-wing’ sense of humour,” said Danny Munyi, Capital FM’s programmes director.
You have probably come across the “Sad clown”, “Happy clown” masks. They depict the contradictory association between comedy and mental disorders, such as depression and anxiety. Oftentimes, the saddest people put on the happiest faces.
