SAMANTHA'S CHRONICLES

Simon looks like a villager with money

I’m always a proponent of taking what people say at face value

In Summary

• Deep, rural accents put off people; it’s the opposite for me.

A man puts money in his socks
A man puts money in his socks
Image: FILE

The male ego. How terribly fragile it is. Alan is mad at me. And not because I left him hanging the other day when we were sexting.

If you missed that, Alan and I have been on one hell of a ride. No, this is something else. Or maybe it’s not. I really can’t tell. I haven’t really had time to process whether his disappearance matters that much to me yet because I got distracted… By Simon.

Where to start with the story of Simon? Well, the first time I had a drink with him, he actually told me he wanted to ejaculate in my eye. I kid you not. He was specific, too. Not in my face, not in my mouth but in my eye. One eye. He didn’t use plural.

If you read this column a lot, you know that I’m not a stranger to pain. I have on many occasions been subjected to deviant sexual acts that have been straight up from a BDSM movie. But semen in my eye? That’s not a pleasure/pain type thing; that’s a potentially blinding act. It would sting and it would burn like crazy. Semen contains a fructose rich fluid that makes up 60-70 per cent of it. Then it has citric acid, enzymes acids phosphatase and lipids.

Other components are scary sounding stuff you definitely don’t want near your eyes, like lactic acid, uric acid, potassium, magnesium, nitrogen, chlorine, antigens, zinc, sodium and the like. No wonder it tastes so bad.

Can you imagine what that combination can do to your fragile ocular tissue? Ouch! And like the pain is not bad enough, you can get an STI for your trouble — chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV and ocular herpes. The latter will definitely affect your cornea and vision.

Going blind because of giving head? The n***a had better keep his c*m away from your eyes, ladies. If it ever gets there (accidents happen), flush out your eyes with lukewarm water and see a doctor.

I’d like to be a fly on the wall when you tell him the story. “You see doctor, he told me he would say when…”

I told Simon as such, he laughed and it was the start of many other conversations we would have that involved him sounding like a total villager. Mind you, he is. Ever seen the villager look with money? This guy has it down pat. From the prints, to very shiny shoes and the odd statements he makes when he gets riled up.

“I will cut off your nose!” he declares when upset.

Wait what? Who says that? I know you’re wondering; why I didn’t get upset and walk out on him after the eye comment earlier. The truth is, for all his abrasiveness, I kind of liked how daring he was, telling a magazine editor something like that and not being aware of how south that could go. Or being aware and not caring.

I also like his accent. It’s thick and wrought. Deep, rural accents put off people; it’s the opposite for me.

“I don’t have a heart,” he told me next. “I don’t appreciate mushy things.”

I’m always a proponent of taking what people say at face value. People always tell you who they are, if you just listen. But this guy is different. You toss out a few rude statements here and there and you can see the genuine hurt on his face. I suspect his ‘I don‘t have a heart’ cries are really more of ‘Don’t break my heart.’ Well, it’s either that or he really is a crazy knife-wielding heartless ass who WILL cut off my nose.