• Women discover on burial day the man they were seeing had other wives
We finish burying Jim, Jiji Ndogo’s first victim to succumb to Covid-19, but the drama is just hotting up. Apparently, Jim had two other secret wives and Mrs Tembo suspects her husband came to Jiji Ndogo to do the same.
We’re all at the Post, sorting things out.
“I’m the goat wife,” Jim’s Wife No. 1 says.
“And I’m the hot wife,” says Wife No. 2. She’s younger. Prettier.
The two turn to Wife No. 3, daring her to say something. In turn, she removes something from her bosom, displays it proudly.
“I guess this makes me the rich wife.”
“Uuuuuiih!” screams Wife No. 1. “Someone tell me that is not the title deed to my house I’m looking at!”
Wife No. 3 stashes the title deed back. Smiles.
“Your house? This is for the plot in Githurai.”
“I didn’t know Jim had a plot in Githurai,” complains Wife No. 2.
“So what?” says Wife No. 3. “I didn’t know he was married to a slay queen and a grandmother.”
“Who’re you calling a grandmother?” shouts Wife No. 2.
“She means Wife No. 1,” Inspector Tembo explains. “Not that I agree, mind you, I’m just keeping things in perspective.”
“You’re one to talk.” Wife No. 1 sneers at Tembo. “Your wife looks like she saw Jesus with her naked eyes.”
“Keep talking, Eve,” Mrs Tembo fires back. “One word that the first woman is still alive and every woman who’s ever gone through labour will be all over you like white on rice. By the way, was the forbidden fruit really an apple or a pear?”
They’re about to get at each other’s throats when I step between them.
“Ladies, let’s focus. Please. Like the good book says, we’re all fearfully and wonderfully made. Some of us more fearfully than wonderfully, but who’s to fault our dear Lord, huh?” I turn to Jim’s wives. “Yours is a matter for the court. We can’t solve it here.”
“What court?” shouts Wife No. 2. “Only a zoo keeper can decide what cages to put these two in.”
Inspector Tembo points to the other wives.
“I believe she just called you animals.”
“Inspector!” I snap. Realise I’m yelling at my boss. “I mean, sir, you’re not helping matters.”
“We can’t solve anything if everyone does not understand exactly what’s going on.”
“I believe they all know what’s happening.”
“Yes, we do,” says Wife No. 1. “We are realising that all men are trash.”
“So, why were you living with trash all this long?” chimes Wife 3. “Don’t village people take their trash out?”
“She actually tried to when the epidemic started,” Tembo provides. “Brought your husband right here since she couldn't stand his snoring.”
“You, too?” asks Wife No. 2. “Damn, that man could snore. He would drown out a posho mill next door.”
Wife No. 1. laughs. Ribs Wife No. 2 good-naturedly.
“Whenever he fell asleep, I’d think we bought an old tractor.”
Wife No. 3 begins to laugh hysterically. The other two turn towards her. She removes something from her other bosom. It resembles a small plastic clothes peg.
“And what the hell is that?” asks Wife No. 1.
Wife No. 3 pinches the peg and clamps it on the bridge of her nose.
“This is a magical anti-snoring device,” she says, talking nasally.
“How come you got all the best of him?” asks Wife No. 2. “What other tricks do you have?”
“You know how he only lasted two minutes? I used to…”
“Enough!” I say. “We’re done here.”
“Good. I need coffee,” says Wife No. 3.
“I make a mean cup of joe,” says Wife No. 1.
“I’m coming, too,” adds Wife No. 2.
“I truly hope she doesn’t poison them,” says Mrs Tembo.