A weighty decision waiting to be made

Chat with Simon

In Summary

• Simon expects me to lose 4kilos but is not willing to pay for gym fees

Young people work out in a gym
Young people work out in a gym
Image: FILE

Simon is still being rude. From wanting semen in my eye, to threatening to cut off my nose, here is his latest demand.

Simon: I need you to lose 4 kilos.

Me: What???


Simon: You heard me. It’s important.

Me: Why?

Simon: I need to be able to lift you up against a wall. I’m not sure I can’t manage that at your present weight.

Me: How is this my problem?

Simon: I need you to do this for me. Please.

Me: So you tell me I’m fat and you think that will get me to give you a reward of some sort??? Ha ha ha.

Simon: I’m just honest.


So not only has he decided that we will sleep together soon (I haven’t been consulted on this) but is confident enough to make demands about my weight. Mmm. I know how to play men like a violin, and this guy just messed with the wrong girl.

Me: I can be subservient and deferential to the king of the jungle. But he has to take care of the gym membership.

Him. I know. I agree.

The next day, I send him an invoice for Sh220,000. That’s the annual membership for one of leading gyms in town.

Him: What’s this for mami?

Me: You declared a decree.

Him: That???

Me: To lose weight.

Him: Did I say that?

Me: Yes.

Him: I’m sorry. When?

Wow this guy is back-peddling fast. Ha ha ha.

Me: Yesterday.

Him: Ok. I don’t think your weight is an issue. Fitness is more important. So if you’re fit, you’re beautiful.

Me: Bullshit. You want me to lose weight. You said it and were dead serious. But not the ‘I will pay 220k’ type of serious. Perhaps you’re punching above your weight?

Him: Punching above my weight?

He then sends me a Harambee card. At first I think it’s a mistake. Which man in his right senses sends a woman he’s trying to get with, a freaking harambee card??? Ha ha. He is the guest of honour.

I‘m not clear why he has sent me this. It’s either one or two things. That he wants me to see the kind of company he will be in (Because he’s still smarting from the punching above his weight comment) or he is trying to communicate that he doesn’t have the money right now because of this commitment.

Either way, he picked the wrong girl. I immediately send him some money as my contribution. If you send me a card, I will treat it as anyone else would, that you are soliciting for funds. This, of course, will make him feel like an even bigger goofball.

He responds immediately. He says something about not having started receiving funds yet and thanks me. I don’t respond. So Simon is not the king of the jungle. More of a hyena. But even scavengers have egos. And ridicule from Mama Hyena will make Papa Hyena take on a pride of lions by himself. You just have to know how to push his buttons. What a freaking goofball, not sure I’ll ever get wet even if he did come through with the gym money.

Alan, meanwhile, has still not responded to my message. I sincerely hope he’s ok. I’m going to call him from a different number. I know I said last week that I wouldn’t chase after him, but look at what I’m working with above? Lowest common denominator. Ha ha ha.