ADULTING: Help, this impulsiveness is killing me not so softly

Normally, I would write this in my journal, therapise myself, spiral, change then write about it, but this time, this limitation is screaming, I must be seen.

I’m impulsive. Bipolar (using this term loosely). And somehow, I’m alive.

As mentioned, I’m coming to terms with this. Last week, in search of a little affirmation, I asked my mum if it’s difficult to raise someone like me. I was looking for a compliment, but this woman decided it was time to empty her soul. She reminded me of mistakes I made. How my “indecisiveness”, impulsiveness, sudden mood swings, multiple passions, curiosity, lack of perspective and laziness have affected her ability to ‘invest’ any further in me or my passions.

I have ADHD, short for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder; and I’m not sure if I’m impulsive because of it or if I’m just impulsive. However, I need to balance it out.

Not to sound woo-woo or anything, but every impulsive decision I have made came from what I’d call a gut feeling, a deep knowing. Half of these decisions often end in blessings and upgrades (like passing a mercury retrograde without calling your ex, haha), and the other half in lessons I have convinced myself I need.

The last time I made an impulsive decision, I quit my first job while broke and spent a month locked up crying, sleeping and eating as if it was the end of the world. Had I not quit the job, I would be gallivanting in Nairobi, enjoying all the literary events and live shows, but hey, I love the view of Mount Kenya each morning.

I recognise that it was important for me to learn not to quit when you do not have a backup plan. But I also recognise I would probably not be writing in this column had I stayed and climbed the ladder.

So yes, this is a blessing and a curse. Do I want to change it? Yes. Yes, I do. Why change something that’s been a guiding light? Because this chaos is costing me money. This chaos is costing me my passions and my time.

I had savings, yeah? Then one day, a day before my period (sharing this because I get super emotional the day before, and retail therapy helps regulate my nervous system. No, this is not girl math), I walked to Chandarana. I needed one cup of natural yoghurt to make naan.

Girls and boys, I bought six books. Yes, every reader deserves books, and I would have probably bought the books at a later date, and yes, I am grateful to have enough money to buy books on a whim. But, it remains that I need to get a hold of myself. Had I kept the money, maybe I would have saved enough to attend a literary event next month.

My YouTube recommendations are beginner tutorials in calligraphy, eyeliner for hooded eyes, the perfect blush for dark-skinned girls, how to dress a short torso, how to walk in heels, how to bake, how to read poetry... Everywhere.

It feels like a mess; cluttered and disorganised. I know I cannot force myself to be something I’m not. I do want the spinning to stop. I want ease in learning these things. Perhaps my brain believes I’m running out of time. Maybe I am. I have tried doing one thing at a time, and my brain said: NO! Not today, not ever.

So, I cannot continue to live like this. But I do not know what the second step, you know, after admitting this is a problem, is.

Maybe I should get a tattoo.