There’s nothing more complicated than dating. It’s supposed to be a fun social practice aimed at helping you assess the suitability of a partner for an intimate relationship, or marriage – but it has now turned into a frustrating and unpredictable game, governed by countless rules. Society has seen fit to come up with an invisible universal rule book that we should all follow to avoid being doomed. These accepted rules are supposed to help you navigate the dating maze. Clever pick-up lines, mind games and manipulation are some of the common tactics used to keep things interesting and mysterious. The rules are supposedly meant to simplify this social practice but most of them have turned people calculative and deceptive.
They can also make someone not reveal their true character because the rules make them uncomfortable, and they think it’s demanded of them to follow them.
1.
Not accepting a last-minute offer
This doesn’t happen often, but some women actually follow it to the letter. Some chick flicks show that, and warn that accepting a late invitation is a sign of desperation. The rule supposedly says do not accept a Saturday night date after a Wednesday. Richard, 30, says: “I wish women understood that asking for a date a day or even a few hours before is not (usually) about being disrespectful, but more about having a last-minute idea to spend time with someone you like.” If he calls you on Thursday to see if you want to grab a drink after work drink, why would you say no?”
2.
Don’t text after a first date
According to this rule, sending a text immediately after the date is desperate because the timing says it all. But what if you genuinely had a nice time or you want to make sure your date got home safe?
Emmanuel, a doctor, says he was confused one time when the girl didn’t reply his texts or answers his calls after their date. “The spark was definitely there, we had a great time and we talked about seeing each other again.” If you had a nice time and you want to tell them, tell them! Keeping quiet afterwards means you didn’t enjoy the date, or you are avoiding them.
3.
Play hard to get
Women, especially, and some men are keen followers of this rule. There’s nothing wrong with maintaining an air of mystery but acting as though you’re not interested sort of defeats the purpose. Playing hard to get can go one of two ways. Either the thrill of the chase will work wonders and you’ll secure yourself a date, or the other person will get bored and lose interest. Manuel a 3rd
year university student says he had to stop chasing a girl he liked because he got tired and bored. “She kept giving me mixed reactions. Today she’ll be all giggling and I’d see that she’s really into me. Another day she’ll act aloof. I just couldn’t take the uncertainty.” Just remember that everyone wants to be desired, and if they don’t get that from you, then they will move on.
4. Never being the first to initiate contact
With this age of multiple social media there are so many avenues of communication. Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, email and so on you can use to communicate whenever, wherever, and as often as you want. This rule, however, makes women sit back and wait to be called. It advises that you wait at least three days after an interaction to initiate contact, and so on. You’ve seen this so much in the movies. It states that if he really likes you, he’ll make an effort to talk to you. Most men appreciate a random text now and then. In fact, when done right, it can make them more interested in you. “Always waiting for the guy to initiate contact is annoying to most men,” says Harold, 25. “At some point you need to let him know you’re interested by reaching out. Don’t be aggressive, but playful texts and e-mails are as nice on our end as they are on yours.”
Women, however, are advised not to be the first to call, say I love you, or express any sense of emotional neediness.
5. Don't kiss after the first/second date
Apparently, kissing on a first date shows you’re loose. Some even say that if it’s going to happen it should be on the cheek. “But surely the fact that you’re already on a date with the person shows that you like them, doesn’t it?”
Lucas, 21, says: “If the chemistry is there and the moment feels right, I go in for it. I think it’s an archaic rule.” Melissa, 28-year-old, says she’s still in her four-year-old relationship with the man she kissed on the first date. “I went with the flow. We both wanted it, and we went ahead. I don’t know why people follow these rules. You are both different, and old enough to make your own decisions.”
6. Let him pay
This directs him to handle all payments, and women should not lift a finger to pick up the bill. This is acceptable, but it’s a very thin line. Some men feel offended and emasculated if a woman picks up the tab. Nora, 25, says she would never even think of it. “Gentlemen pay for the date, chivalry demands it. He’s the one who asked me out!” But women can also treat their dates once in a while – on the third date, perhaps, you can offer to pay for the drinks while he handles the food bill, but this depends on your date. Some men don’t see this as an insult. So gauge the man you’re with, and see if he is willing to go Dutch even, and then take it from there.
7. Don't order spaghetti on a date
This sounds funny but it is on the rule book. It’s both literal and figurative. Spaghetti is considered messy and you have to do these acrobatic moves to get it to your mouth and still look sexy while doing it. You also risk messing up your outfit. Figuratively, it means you should not order something that will give you stress eating, and ‘devalue’ you in a way. Sally says she orders what she wants. “I’m a grown woman. I ordered it because I can handle it. My friends tell me they don’t eat with their hands while on dates. I think that’s pretentious. I love to hold my chicken with my fingers when I take a bite. That’s the only way to eat.”
You can choose to date without rules. Rules were meant to be broken, and following rules all the time ruins the spark and excitement. Each person you meet is different, and a rule applied in your previous dates might not work on another. But this doesn’t not mean letting your guard down and operating without boundaries. While it’s advisable to listen to your gut, because some of these traditional rules don’t wholly apply in these modern times, be yourself and see if your values and boundaries are not undermined in any way by you disregarding the rules. Always make sure you are comfortable with all the decisions you make.