If there is one thing that is a universal deal breaker in relationships, it is infidelity. It is the worst kind of betrayal. Finding out that the person you love is getting naked with someone else is the emotional equivalent of being run through with a red hot sword.
Judging from the conversations I witness on social media and listen to on morning radio, there are mass emotional stabbings happening every day.
The phrase “mpango wa kando” is now part of our social lexicon. Infidelity is so institutionalised, so inevitable, that there are now advertisements telling us to use protection when we cheat. It has gotten to the point that everyone over a certain age has a personal “it happened to me” cheating story.
Let’s face it; women are more likely to face the soul-destroying experience of infidelity…not because women don’t cheat, but because they are more careful, and less likely to get caught. It explains why the vast majority of heartbreaking stories in the media belong to women.
However, there is one thing that is worse for a woman than finding out that her man has been sneaking around behind her back; and that is finding out that she is the other woman.
She has been in this relationship for a while, she is heavily invested in it, she is completely in love with this man, she has started planning the wedding in her head, then one day, through a cruel twist of fate, she finds out that this man has a wife that he conveniently ‘forgot’ to mention.
There are few things worse than this. Not only has she been betrayed, but she doesn’t even have the luxury of occupying the moral high ground, because society will judge her harshly.
She must have known, people will say, and so that makes her a home-wrecker. And if she did not know, she must really be stupid. These are the only two options open to her; the whore or the idiot.
You see, if she was the legitimate “first lady” in this man’s life, she would expect a support system of sympathetic friends, all of whom would pillory the man, describing him and his inability to keep it in his pants using every expletive under the sun.
But as the unwitting “side-dish”, she is involuntarily enjoined with the cheating man. In fact, the vitriol she will face will be worse. Infidelity in men is very easily rationalized. Men will be men. But this woman, in addition to the inevitable heartbreak, is also forced to wear a scarlet letter.
So what do you do when you find out that you were the other woman?
1. Give yourself time to grieve. The most hurtful thing in this situation is finding out that the man you thought you loved is a myth. Everything he ever told you, all the promises he made to you! are never going to happen. You have invested yourself emotionally in this relationship, and you are never going to get a return on this investment. Mourn the loss, and understand that it is ok for you to do so. However, should you choose to numb the pain with alcohol, make sure that you are nowhere near your mobile phone. There is nothing worse than having a drunken, wailing woman gibbering incoherently into a man’s ear at three in the morning.
2. Cut off all ties. Resist the temptation to meet with this man in an effort to hear some kind of explanation or “get some closure”. Closure is overrated. You need to realise that if he was able to keep you in the dark for the entire duration of your relationship, he is a supremely talented actor who gave you an Oscar-worthy performance. He will probably call you, full of endearments and rationalizations, and unless you understand that he is a liar, you will be sucked back in. Answer no calls. Respond to no texts. Block him on social media. He should cease to exist in your world.
3. Get angry. Anger is a very useful emotion. It cannot exist in the same space as self-pity…which is frankly a waste of time. So instead of sitting around beating your breast crying “Why me?”,
Get very, very angry. You have been tricked, and it is very likely that you were not the first, and you will not be the last. He lied both to you and to his wife. He has treated the both of you like a pair of idiots. Anger will help when he comes to you with yet more lies, and it will give you the strength to walk away. However, do not let it consume you, otherwise you still find yourself outside his house, screeching profanities, committing felonies and generally looking like a fool.
4. Evaluate your position. If you are pregnant, you will have to hold off on your revenge master plan, because you will be involved with him to some degree for the foreseeable future. Do not consider abortion. The child is innocent in this situation. Seek legal redress, because even though he broke your heart and you would gladly see him burn in everlasting hellfire, he is still responsible for his child.
5. Do not attempt to contact the wife. This is very important. Contacting her will only make a bad situation worse, and if you honestly evaluate your motives, you will see that trying to get in touch with her is actually a pretty selfish thing to do. She has enough problems as it is, and if the man is habitually unfaithful, she has been down this road before. If your motivation in getting in touch with her is to convince her to leave him so that you can have him, then you probably deserve your Prince Not-So-Charming, and the years of heartache that will ensue.
6. Learn something from the experience. The sad fact is that some men simply cannot be trusted. They have been married for a few years, the initial rush of excitement is gone, and they sought you out to escape the mundane reality of their lives. You were a momentary diversion, a bit of excitement on the side. They don’t really care about you…you are simply prey, hunted to satisfy a selfish need. It is a painful realization, but a necessary one.
The most important thing to do if you find yourself in this situation is to gather up your dignity and walk away without looking back. Do not fall prey to his emotional manipulations.
Should you choose to stay even after having realised that you are the other woman, you can no longer call yourself the innocent party.
You are as culpable as the cheater, you are enabling his bad behavior, and you are opening yourself up to a world of pain. Understand that he will not change. Drop this cheater, and move on. Give yourself time to heal from this experience. When you feel ready to date again, be smart.
Do your due diligence on the next person. It really isn’t too hard to find out about a person in the age of social media. And finally, make sure the person you move on to is honest and trustworthy, and respects you for who you are.