The idea of a man being beaten by his wife or any woman for that matter strikes most of us as incredulous.
Men, even when they are short and sinewy, are stronger than women.
And besides, they are men. They have this role of protector and provider, how can they allow themselves to be beaten or even harassed by someone smaller than them? They can put an end to it whenever they feel like it…. right?
And a man would have to choose to take the violence for a period of time before it causes any real damage… right?
So what does the term 'husband battery' actually mean?
Does ‘Battered Husband Syndrome’ exist?
In the last three weeks or so, three men have been brutally attacked by their wives in ways that have shocked the nation and sparked conversation about ‘husband battery’, ‘Nyeri women’ and the effects of female empowerment.
The head of Maendeleo ya Wanaume, Nderitu Njoka has been at the forefront of this discussion, going as far as to call on men to boycott their wives' cooking for six days, to bring awareness to the issue of violence against husbands.
Njoka claims that female empowerment and the government programmes that support it are ruining homes and that women want to dominate men.
On the February 16, an article titled ‘Husband battery: What is Really Happening in Central Province’, appeared in The Star.
The writers Jesse Mwangi, Wambugu Kanyi, Stanley Njenga and Njenga Gicheha found the following:
- A 2011 Nacada report shows that farmers drink
more than their business or factory-employed counterparts.
They consequently, also have low libido and a higher inability to sire children, provide for their families effectively and take care of their wives.
- Jecinta Ng’ang’a, chairlady of Maendeleo ya Wanawake said that alcohol abuse is largely to blame for women beating their husbands. She noted that "it is unacceptable for women to feed and dress the whole family while the men are busy drinking".
- Women in the area said most men are taking
illicit brews with some going to the extent of selling even kitchen utensils to get money for the cheap brews which cost as little as Sh20 per cup.
- Priscilla Nyawira, from Nyeri town said. "The alcohol they take has forced them to forget about sex in the family. They no longer perform in bed. Most of them are very lazy and spend most of their night under the bed. Others can’t do manual jobs."
So let us start with the definition of ‘husband battering’.
In the 2009 article titled ‘Anatomy of a Violent Relationship’ in Psychology Today, and
state that "Battering, is physical aggression with a purpose: to control, intimidate, and subjugate another human being. It is always accompanied by emotional abuse, often involves injury, and always causes
in the battered woman.
In response to the question of women being batterers, Jacobson and Gottman said, "In our study, we found that some battered women defend themselves, and hit or push as often as their husbands do. Some people claim that there is a huge underground movement of battered husbands. However, statistics on violent women do not take into account the impact and function of the violence."
Jacobson and Gottman studied 63 battering couples in the heat of conflict for eight years, going as far as putting electrodes on their bodies to record heart rate and other vital signs; they also video-taped the arguments.
For a more complete look at their findings go to: .
From what we have heard from these husband beaters and their neighbours, it seems these men are being punished for their bahaviour and they are not ‘battered husbands’, but rather ‘beaten husbands’.
This is however still a problem. Pascal Mwita an addiction specialist and founder of The Amuka Pilgrimage, says that when a man is unable to provide for his family, it has a huge impact on his self-esteem and this can lead to low libido, sexual ineptitude and drinking. "High alcohol consumption further exacerbates sexual dysfunction and this creates a vicious cycle. Financial issues plus a sexually-frustrated wife are not a good mix. Also we do not know what is in these illicit brews so these men may be poisoning themselves," he says.
Mercy Machira is a 60-year -old Nyeri woman who has been married for 34 years.
This literature graduate and retired banker says that we have to take a closer look at Kikuyu culture to understand what is informing these beatings. "Traditionally when a young Kikuyu girl got married, her husband furnished her with a hut and a granary. It was her job to work and feed her children so she either kept or traded whatever she grew. It is this granary that women are taking to banks in the form of a spreadsheet and qualifying for loans with," she says. “I collect x from my three cows, x from tea sales and x from vegetable sales. I do not pay rent, electricity or other utilities but here is my LR number and as you can see my husband owns the land. How much can you lend me to grow my business?”
Machira adds that Kikuyu tradition forbids a man to go into his wife’s granary and sell her produce, or even use it to feed children from another wife. Kikuyu children belong to their mothers and these women took pride in providing for their families. Chubby smiling children are a point of pride for any Kikuyu woman worth her salt.
Culture forbids that the husband sells her cups or kitchen utensil. "After all if he does this what will his kids eat?
What can they put their food on? Our homes may have grown in size since the traditional hut but a Kikuyu woman’s home is still her own and whatever is in it is hers to govern. The idea that a man can take what he wants out of this hut is bad manners to say the least and taboo," she says.
Machira’s comments are a coruscating cry into this husband beating conversation. While we all shun violence, especially the kind that has a man in the ICU for days, comprehension of what informs these women’s actions and the values they were raised with helps us to understand them better. It is also pertinent to point out that yes, an empowered woman is more likely to demand parity in her home, than an impoverished woman. With this is mind, let us look at the state that other women in Kenya are living in.
It has long been felt that resources such as education and health care were more easily available in Central Province. While Female Empowerment Loans were distributed across the country, they have been, arguably, more accessible in Central province if only because these women have higher levels of literacy than say a Turkana woman in Lokichogio. As Female empowerment continues to spread its wings and impact more and more women across the country, we will see more and more women becoming disgruntled with their marriages if the issue of parity is not addressed immediately. We do not want husband beating to become a social indicator of levels of female empowerment and emancipation in an area or tribal group.
Empowerment is fundamentally about choice and when women start creating lives of their own choosing, they will not choose a drunken unemployed reprobate with low libido. The empowerment of women has not dis-empowered men, rather it has raised our expectations so that we are more difficult to impress. This is not a bad thing as success in modern day society calls for a different skill set from that demanded by a traditional setting and our families will be better equipped for a global standard of success if they are led by two empowered partners.
Can the government do something?
Sure, but let us not forget that the women’s movement is led by women, assisting each other. Men and governments did not begin Maendeleo ya Wanawake et al… women did and we continue because our work is not done yet. Kenyan women have taken baby steps in the pursuit of empowerment and we have a long way to go. We do not earn equal pay for equal work in the corporate setting, we do not have the same access to education, we have not fully addressed our reproductive rights nor do we enjoy equal representation in government.
We are still working… still getting more empowered and we cannot slow down so that our men can catch up.
It is great that Nderitu Njoka chairs a national forum on male empowerment. He is right to highlight that men and the boy child are getting left behind. As a single Kenyan woman, I urge that he pursues candor and takes a deeper look at the real issues affecting men; that he stays true to his cause and that the government starts by cracking down on illicit brews and gives him all the help that they can afford, because quite frankly I could use a fantastic sober partner.
Why battered men remain silent
Shame: What will my friends, family, colleagues and neighbours think? What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat me up? It’s a private matter - it belongs in the family. If I say anything, she’ll tell everyone I’m the abusive one, and shame me in public. I’m ashamed I’m not strong enough to defend myself. Everyone knows it’s men that are the violent ones [the shame of male for being male].
Self-Worth: I probably deserved it. This is the best I deserve. With my looks, or age, or personality, or income, this is as good a relationship as I’ll ever be able to get.
Denial: It’s not that bad. All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down. I can weather this one, just like I did the others.
Reluctance to give up the good:
If people got to know her, they’d see what a creative, or loving, or wonderful person she is. She’s like this only some of the time. The sex is great, and I can put up with being batted around a little. I’d be lost without a relationship with her. I’d be lost without a relationship.
Inertia: It’s too hard to do anything. I’m not ready for that much change in my life. I’ll do it tomorrow, or later, when I’m not so busy. Sounds like a lot of work - more to take care of than I can handle right now. Force of habit. I’m used to life the way it is now.
The Kids: Another reason for staying is to protect the kids. The research shows that people who assault their partners, women as well as men, are likely to assault their children, too. If he leaves, chances are he’ll never be able to come back. In today’s climate, there’s a good chance she’ll be able to allege that he has assaulted her or assaulted or even sexually abused the kids, and get a protection order on her say-so, barring him from seeing the kids.
Fear of having a 911 call turned around:
If a man is being battered and trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs police help.