Office sex is soooo sexy.
It is illicit, naughty, fun and even dangerous.
So why are so many of us doing it?
How are we doing it successfully?
Most of us work about eight hours a day. We dress well to go to work, and we feel good in this environment that appreciates and pays us for our unique gifts.
We are surrounded by similar minded people, we are working on similar goals, we share successes and annoyances…The office is almost like a great date waiting to happen.
Given the sheer number of hours that we spend at work, and the impact that ‘what we do’ has on our identity, it is not a surprise that more and more of us are ending up with our colleagues.
The culture of drinks after work is becoming more widespread and we also tend to hang out with friends we met in college or university who are pursuing similar careers.
A colleague also understands the specific work culture in your company and maybe even more supportive than someone on a different career trajectory – think banker and photographer.
The office environment allows you to scope out your potential paramour without making any kind of commitment.
Is he a chauvinist?
Is she a money hungry gold-digger?
All manner of conversations come up between co-workers and they are a great opportunity to get to know someone without the pressure of an actual date.
Also, in this achievement-centric environment most of us look great and we feel valuable and confident, qualities that all translate into ‘sexy’. So how can you date successfully at work?
Where are the potential potholes?
Steer clear of your direct boss or subordinate.
In the workplace, as in most places in life, there are no facts just perceptions and when you have a sexual relationship with your superior it will bite one of you where the sun doesn’t shine.
If you are female, the consequences tend to be harsher.
Janet* is a 34 year old travel agent and she remembers having a fling with her immediate boss, “It was my first real job, I was only 25 and the guy was about 30.
He wasn’t even really my boss but he was the project manager and the company was grooming him for management.
I thought he was so cute and he was really good at what he did which is very sexy.
I was having fun but he wanted something a lot more serious and that is when we got into trouble.
‘I was 25, making what I thought was money and feeling hot so I continued to date other people rather obviously.
This guy had told people that I was his girlfriend so he was really embarrassed.
This man was dramatic; he spread rumours about me when our fling ended.
He said that I dated him for his money… that I was sleeping with one of our bosses...that I was bad in bed.
It was embarrassing.
I didn’t want people to know that I had slept with a co-worker and now everyone knew.
It got so bad that I started looking for another job and eventually left the company.
‘While I was looking for a job I had to see this man every day.
I hurt his feelings and I think also his pride and he was really mean to me.
Also once the whole office knew, their attitude towards me changed, I became ‘the chick who was trying to sleep her way to the top’ which you can’t recover from, especially at your first job.
People didn’t take me seriously so I left.’
Do A Little Research
What does your company say about colleagues dating?
In some companies it is merely frowned upon, but others have a strict policy that one of you must quit.
Office sex is a distraction even when people are in separate departments.
If perhaps your partner has the Managing Director’s ear, any promotions that come your way may be termed favoritism, as opposed to being credited to your hard work and finally finishing that Master’s degree.
Also find out if your co-worker is married, engaged or is in a long term relationship.
This might look like nosiness but the consequences of no-information can be dire.
Dating a married man or woman, or the most promiscuous person in the office may bring your intellect and integrity into question.
Lois* is a 29 year old receptionist who is also a single mother.
I met Mike* when I first started working.
He would pass by my desk and ask if I wanted lunch or a soda and sometimes he would bring me a sandwich.
He was one of the stars of the sales team and he dresses so well – gold watch, nice suits and those sharp shoes that Nigerians like.
I fell for him then one weekend we went for team building and he got us a room.
We dated for almost a year then he got sick.
He had malaria, then the doctors decided it was pneumonia… anyway he was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks.
That is when things changed.
One evening I went in to see him after work.
I bought him his favourite food and some magazines then I went.
We were sitting there talking and this woman came in with a friend.
We all chatted for a while then her friend left and we were sitting there with this tension in the room.
It is like she was waiting for me to leave, but I was the girlfriend so I was wondering why I should leave.
I decided to go to the loo then come back.
When I came back she had left but visiting hours were over so I also had to leave.
I found her waiting for me at the main entrance.
She told me that she is Mike’s wife then she asked me what I was doing there so late and how I knew him.
I told her that we work together but I was too stunned to talk more.
Then next day I confronted him and he admitted.’
Keep Your Mouth(s) Shut
Shut up about your new beau, at least until you know where things are going. The truth is that most relationships end so keep that in mind until firm commitments have been made.
Lois says ‘if you are even thinking about having an office affair, don’t tell anyone.
Imagine, a whole year and I had no idea.
Then to make matters worse I found out I was pregnant.
Being pregnant in that office was humiliating.
I used to see him and want to kill him, and then other times I would throw up.
Now my son is 1, I am single and Mike is still married.
Occasionally he gives me an envelope with money but we don’t really talk and he has never met the boy.
At least people in the office don’t know because I think that would make it worse.
Imagine people pitying me?
It would be too much.’
Keep up Your Performance
Both of you must continue to work hard and perform as you always have, if not better.
Romance can be very distracting and you may just be counting the hours until lunch so that you can sneak off for a make-out session in your car.
Please refrain from public displays of affection and continue working hard, meeting your targets and all your deadlines.
Your romance may have you feeling beautiful and youthful, but this is not high school.
Your ‘googlie eyes’ may be cute to your office friends but for others they are a mild annoyance at best.
Create Rules
You may have done everything right and have now settled in for happily ever after, then your girlfriend slips to one of her work friends that you like morning sex, or you tell your office drinking pals that she hates a certain manager.
You must have couple rules, keeping in mind that men and women live in different worlds.
Telling women that your man is great in bed might mark him out as a stud that they all should try, but his bragging about your bedroom skills gives your superiors’ permission to think of you sexually and talk about it.
In the middle of your bliss, you will not want to think about breaking up, but you should create guidelines for that too.
New romances are fun but office romances have their own added feel of naughtiness, like going to school when you had a crush and we could all use a little of that.
But they can also prove to be very expensive.
The wrong romance could impact your social and career CV, altering industry perceptions of you so widely that you have to over-compensate for years to come.
You can however recover with the help of a career coach and a clever personal PR campaign in which you highlight the great things about you and your career achievements but it is an uphill climb.
Signs That A Man and Woman are Dating
The office Christmas party is coming up and you may want to know who has a crush on whom.
Here are 7 signs:
1.
They touch each other unnecessarily – we are not the most tactile society but animal instincts trump manners and though subtle, we touch what we like.
A hand on the small of a back or a forearm, unnecessary grooming… these are signs that the toucher likes the touchee.
2.
They hang out together – a couple will find each other in a crowd and be aware of each other’s movements.
3.
They laugh loudly – when a woman laughs she displays her neck which is a sign of vulnerability and openness; while men laugh to show off their booming voices.
Deep voices are a sign of high testosterone and virility.
4.
The man will display his chest – just like a peacock or our more primitive primate relatives, men put their chests forward and place their hands on their belts to call attention to their groin area.
5.
Preening – both sexes will run their hands through their hair, adjust their clothing and generally be overly concerned with their appearance.
6.
The tell all head tilt – both men and women tilt their heads when they are flirting to demonstrate unique interest in that individual.
7.
They only flirt with each other – one of them may be the office flirt but event eh ubiquitous charmer finds a way to make their love interest feel special and if you watch carefully you will notice a more personal type of flirting between two people who are dating or interested in each other.
Highlights from The Sexual Offenses Act of 2006 [Njoki’s Bill] regarding sexual harassment:Any person, who being in a position of authority, or holding a public office, who persistently makes any sexual advances or requests which he or she knows, or has reasonable grounds to know, are unwelcome, is guilty of the offence of sexual harassment and shall be liable to imprisonment for a term of not less than three years or to a fine of not less than one hundred thousand shillings or to both.
It shall be necessary to prove in a charge of sexual harassment that-
(a) the submission or rejection by the person to whom advances or requests are made is intended to be used as basis of employment or of a decision relevant to the career of the alleged victim or of a service due to a member of the public in the case of a public officer;
(b) such advances or requests have the effect of interfering with the alleged victim’s work or educational performance or creating an offensive working or learning environment for the alleged victim or denial of a service due to the member of the
(c) public from a public office.
Any person who being the head-teacher, teacher or employee in a primary or secondary school or special institution of learning whether formal or informal, takes advantage of his or her official position and induces or seduces a pupil or student to have sexual intercourse with him or her or commits any other offence under this Act, such sexual intercourse not amounting to the offence of rape or defilement, shall be guilty of an offence of abuse of position of authority and shall be liable upon conviction to imprisonment for a term of not less than ten years.
Any person who being in a position of trust takes advantage of his or her position and induces or seduces a person in their care to have sexual intercourse with him or her or commits any other offence under this Act, such sexual intercourse not amounting to the offence of rape or defilement, shall be guilty of an offence of abuse of position of trust and shall be liable upon conviction to imprisonment for a term of not less than ten years.
The above is clear when it comes to individual liability but what of companies?
What if you do report sexual harassment to the Human Resources department but they do not do anything about it?
Or if your company does not have tangible rules of conduct?