Sometimes I wish I was as delusional as many religious people. There is bread on the table. Instead of walking to the table to pick it up, you choose to pray. Fervently. Someone else takes the bread.
“Oh, does god love me?” and then another equally disillusioned soul encourages the first one ati, “It was God’s will, He is never late, He has a plan” Nani, God was just seated in the sky minding his own business. You have legs and arms, si you use them? Sheesh!
Anyway, when I was young, my father liked telling us to get married, if only to get it out of our system, and to have children so that when we were old, we would not behave like it was everyone’s fault that we had not had any of those experiences.
As one who has got marriage out of my system and had kids, I almost see his point of view. If you look at it literally, it sounds almost sexist, you know, as if women can only be fulfilled by having children, but it is also very progressive, “get married if only to get it out of your system”. Do it, if it is not working, thank all parties and move on.
I want to take it further though because as I grow older, I see older women who seem to have it all, be very unhappy and mean towards younger women.
The problem is very simple, the curse of the good woman. This was and is a curse placed on us by the coming of foreign religions. These religions required modesty of us. Essentially saying our nakedness was something to be ashamed of. They required us to be docile as women.
Listen, before all these paths to phantom heavens, we had women lead lethal armies, there were feared queens some of who had sex with different men and in the case of Nzinga Mbande, it was said that a night with her was blissful but fatal. She kept a harem of 60 of her top soldiers. Now that was badass. But we want to be good women now.
I will never forget a story my mother told me of her mother’s meeting with Jesus of Nazareth. My mother said it so proudly. She said that when my Dani got saved, she cut off her long thick beautiful hair and wore a headscarf from then on. Her dresses became long and drab. This story has stuck with me because it is one of the saddest stories I know. The beginning of the good woman and oh, what a sad ending.
As women, spiritual women, and African women, we know what we are here to do. And it has nothing to do with being good. (Wait I am not saying you kill men, even when you feel they deserve it!) I am saying you need to be yourself or you will end up being a mean old woman, which is a woman full of regret and it is hard for you to watch those who dare to follow their authentic paths.
Get over being good, it will most often save your life and your mind. I watched a reel of a 96-year-old woman who was being asked what they call a woman who jumps from one bed to another. She said, "They call her a hoe, but please don't call her that!” She went on to explain that a woman should be able to go from one bed to another until she gets what she needs. Why spend your life with sex you cannot stand?
If you know how many women are having bad sex with men they cannot stand because they are trying to be good women, we would have to call for government intervention. Sex is not all but it is everything in a relationship. A man will love his wife but will look for a woman who makes him feel alive. I am not saying compete with men, I am saying copy their realness when it comes to getting what they need from life.
You do not need a feminist movement, you do not need to hate men, you do not need religion or to be good, you need to be authentic. Whatever that looks like, you know in your heart of hearts what you want to do and say. Get on with it.
By the way, I wrote an e-book. Things I wish they told me; How to enjoy a relationship with an African man (Get your ecopy on mgazeti.com).
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