I have been guilty of wanting to know what men want. This has been a question that has riddled many a woman. For generations.
We have attended talks, seminars, bought books by men who claimed they could spill the secret, gone to church services and endured long sermons, prayed loudly during prayer services and even ventured to witchdoctor sessions trying to find out what men want so that we might give it to them in the hopes that we can have a good relationship. The happily ever after ones.
It occurred to me yesterday while having a conversation with my sister that men already get and do what they want. So they are not the problem. We are the problem.
As soon as a girl is born she is already being trained to be the woman a man wants. Which particular man I cannot really tell because men want different things. The women in her life start deciding what the man she will meet may want.
The baby girl is hours old and the women are looking at the ears. Will she be too dark? Men do not like dark girls. Look at her legs? Will she be short? Do her fat cheeks mean she will be plump like her aunt whose husband left her for his skinny maid? Thank God she has a full head of hair. It is a woman’s crown, the hair.
She smiled, she looks like she will have a gap, let's put strings around her waist, we need to make sure she has a small waist. What's that? Of course, they are pulling at her clitoris to make sure the man will have full enjoyment. That is what he wants, no? How else will she keep him? She must learn to cook! She mustn't speak loudly or talk about serious things. Is she smiling? At what? You ask. We do not care, men like smiley girls.
What do you mean she wants to go to the bar for a drink? Only prostitutes drink in the bar. Good women are at home drinking secretly in the kitchen from teacups. Wait, she earns more than her man? Why would she do that? Doesn't she know her man will be insecure? Men want women who look up to them. If she keeps that job she will disrespect him.
How many boyfriends has she had? It does not matter. She must keep the number to a conservative three. One was a primary school sweetheart whom they only ever held hands with. The second was a high school pen pal. Then three, the current, the one who broke her virginity.
Speaking of nether regions, she must be a tigress yet a quivering virgin in bed. Shy and shaking like a leaf when he gets next to her but once he is inside her, she must turn into this gyrating monster that loses control because of him. Never mind that he is awkward and boring.
If there is nothing else she must do, then she must love his mother and birth children and name them after her. Never mind that she is a glutton and a witch who thinks her son is God’s gift to women.
So you see, we really stand little chance. Now we have been armed with what our mothers, aunties and female friends think men want. We get the man and give them what we were told they want. Then he does not care for what he is supposed to want.
Instead, he decides he is head over heels in love with the barmaid who is known to sleep with all her clients. Or his cardie who lives across town in one room. There he parks his car, which is bigger than her bedsitter, and has to be begged to return home.
Or he chooses the girl you were told would soil your reputation because she is ‘easy’ and after months in the gym and denying yourself sustenance, he now wants the cross-eyed potato looking woman. He will be found in her kitchen cooking for her while in your house he did not know whether you cooked on three stones or a jiko.
You are now crying and wondering what do men want. My sister, men have what they want. What do you want? That is what we must do ladies, what we want. You want to sleep with 100 men, do your best. You want to climb the corporate ladder, break the glass ceiling.
You do not like to cook, hire someone. Do you like your drink? Do not pretend, you will find your match. Do what you want how you like it. Be yourself. The ones that want your type will find you. Authenticity is the answer.
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