Ladies, here’s a guide to online dating

Now that they have closed outside, meeting new people has gone almost 100 per cent online. Navigating online can be as strange as it is scary. We have heard horror stories of both men and women having been killed by people they met on Facebook. At the same time (it is always good to report both sides), we have heard of success stories of people who met and are apparently living happily ever after. To be fair, this is the same offline.

So today I am here for the ladies. I have compiled a reasonable navigation list. It is up to you to do what you will with the following information. You can also add others.

Meeting a man online should be deliberate. None of that love at first time. You have the advantage of online to be able to analyse the whole situation before you decide you want to go ahead with it.

A man who is online, following all female influencers and arguing with her followers, who are mostly female, and abusing her when his mates are working is a serious red flag. Serious men occasionally post about sports or some local event. They like a picture or two, say one or two things about the political situation and the rest of the time are doing provider things—work.

There is a type of guy that really baffles me: A man who is always in the kitchen cooking, taking pictures of the food, posting and competing with women in the Facebook cooking groups over the most moist carrot cake. He is not a chef by profession and does not sell food. Call me old fashioned but, what time do you work?

He sends you a friend request and you check his page (though I recommend checking his page before accepting his request, but now that you have accepted), all his friends are girls with names like Msupa Ule wa Yesu or Fatcakes Baby Snack. My friend, delete friend request. Those are the types to immediately ask for a nude and promise to take you to KFC. Yaani he has not put any respect on your name.

He sends you an inbox and he starts off by asking what time it is back home as if you are a timekeeper. Or he asks how is Nairobi, like he left you in charge of the county and needs feedback. His picture many times is of a very good looking man who is not him I promise you. Or worse still, a picture of a white man in army fatigues. If this fellow is abroad, he is somewhere in West Africa, otherwise he is in Eastlands.

He likes your pictures from the day you joined Facebook. This might be cute if it was not scary. Seriously though, how much time can someone have these days, yawa? That is not only an idle man, but he has stalker tendencies that you do not want to be part of.

He posts well into the night and the posts are incoherent. He posts in the third person or has no filter. He will probably try to video call you at odd hours. He has no respect for boundaries. He is a drunk and is probably high on something else. Unless you like projects and do not mind being embarrassed when he tags you on nonsense or comments on your posts, delete and block the bugger.

A fellow who has the audacity to send messages with serious grammatical mistakes and does not bother to correct them is a huge red flag with sirens. If he can write he 'leaves on the lifey suburbs’ without any remorse, you must block him. He does not care about anything.

You have just started chatting on day one. He tells you how much money he makes, it is usually millions. The car he drives. The cows in his farm. How all the women want him for his money but surprisingly he is looking for a woman just like you, fancy that. Well, he does not have any of that money, all the women are imaginary and you are about to waste your good time.

I was never a fan of online meetings but strange times call for strange measures. Be extra careful. It does not hurt to google someone. Not finding someone’s digital footprint anywhere other than that bogus account on Facebook should make you want to run for the hills. With your mask on of course, carry sanitiser with you too.

All the best!