SINGLE PARENTHOOD

A lot goes into making a single-parent home

We do not always choose the best mates.

In Summary
  • We stood no chance, fellow Kenyans. We were walking around looking for men who our spirits literally rejected.
  • We realised late that it takes more than butterflies in your stomach to make it in marriage.

Men have also played their part. A very big part I must say without prejudice. One Kenyan man can be responsible for even 10 women-led households. Households with an average of two children. There are men who are serial kalongolongo husbands. When the ‘game’ becomes boring, he goes and starts another elsewhere.

Apparently we ranked second in Africa, not for any sport, well unless single parenthood is a new sport. It is 2020, anything seems to go. Someone posted our results on Facebook and you can imagine the comments. It is, of course, women’s fault. For not tying men to our ankles and having immaculate conceptions.

I have some thoughts on these results. You know I will share them with you. Smile.

First, as women we should own our part in our results. We do not always choose the best mates. We have heard that women these days are not like our mother’s until our ears are about to fall off. I do not blame us. We grew up at a time when falling in love and romance was really marketed. We read fairy tales right from the time we could read. From Cinderella to Mills and Boon. Then we listened to Shai, SWV and Co.

 

We stood no chance, fellow Kenyans. We were walking around looking for men who our spirits literally rejected. If you could not eat or sleep; if you could not breathe or lost the will to live, congratulations my sister, you had fallen in love. You now had to make that ungodly fellow your husband.

My mother Mary (RIP) said to me, do not marry a man you love, marry a man who loves you. Women learn to love, men do not. He either loves you or is tolerating you. Tolerance has an expiry date. But you know when you are young you know everything. We were going to fall in love, break up, find our way back to each other and fall in love again, like in the Mills and Boon novels, silly, our parents just didn’t understand romance.

We realised late that it takes more than butterflies in your stomach to make it in marriage. When a woman thinks she is in love, she is a very dangerous creature. She might not look harmful because she cries and forgives you a lot. But then she starts following you, she wants to fight other women then graduates to stabbing you and setting things on fire.

I also would like to know how they decided a home is a single parent home. There are numerous cases of technically unwed mothers who are not really single. The children know their fathers. He does his part only he cannot live with his second family permanently because only he knows about them. Everyone else will have to wait until his funeral to meet them.

So I added advice to my mother’s. Women should seek to grow in love, not fall in love. The former is intentional and not dependent on myths. If you are looking to get married for the first time or third, let us be grown up about it.

Now you know men have also played their part. A very big part I must say without prejudice. One Kenyan man can be responsible for even 10 women-led households. Households with an average of two children. There are men who are serial kalongolongo husbands. When the ‘game’ becomes boring, he goes and starts another elsewhere.

When I was young, (side note) my mother used to insist that I must take whichever boy I liked home. She kept saying ‘same blood pulls each other’. I did not understand until now. I am also insisting to my children that they should bring their boyfriends and girlfriends home first. The way their people are going, we might be forced to import spouses for them.

Anyway, then, we also play host to many multinational firms that serve sometimes East and Central Africa. Many men from ‘abroad’ will be here, working, with no wife. My mother had something to say about this too. She always said, follow your husband where he has been placed for work (This never stopped a wandering man but it will make you feel useful).

 

Do not think he is spending cold nights thinking of you. So, the expat will be here and will find a nice local girl to keep his bed warm. She will have some children because really, you have implied you are single, she is young, of course she wants her own children even if the house dog is cute. The foreigner will remember his wife and three children when his contract is over.

I also would like to know how they decided a home is a single-parent home. There are numerous cases of technically unwed mothers who are not really single. The children know their fathers. He does his part only he cannot live with his second family permanently because only he knows about them. Everyone else will have to wait until his funeral to meet them. While we are in receipt of the results of this mysterious census, we did not do it alone. We have had a lot of help.

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