Heal yourself to raise better men

If you want to know a man will treat you well, look at his relationship with his mother. That is what they say. And it is a good indicator. But there is need to go beyond the superficial. There is a relationship a man can have with his mother that can turn him into a demi monster.

It has been on the news recently. A certain ‘celeb’ broke up with the I do not know what number baby mama. He just cannot seem to contain his trouser zipper. Interestingly enough in all this, his mother is adversely mentioned.

They also say there is nothing like a mother-son relationship. I have a son. I understand very well what they say. If there is anyone who feels for you as a mother, it is your son. That small boy from when he is a baby will really watch you. He will know when you are happy and when you are sad and take great notice of the causes. If he sees you suffer, it will be his mission to alleviate that suffering.

You may notice such boys, with suffering mothers, will excel at something at a young age. His mission is to save his mother. He will make a lot of money and maybe he will be famous too. He will then lay it down at his mother’s feet, as a sacrificial offering. He can do no wrong in his mother’s eyes.

And mothers, we are human. Finally, the suffering was worth it. The begging, borrowing and almost stealing. The rejection, condemnation and isolation. Look world, my son did it and now all of you will never forget me (I mean my son).

Suffering does some crazy things to the human being. Someone said, what does not kill you gives you a dark sense of humour and strange coping mechanisms. A person who has suffered many times wants to feel the power their oppressor had, and it is not usually over their oppressor, but on anyone. (Explains the effect of colonisation on a lot of leadership styles in Africa, no?)

You would think because this woman has suffered she would want her son to be a better man to another woman. But in her unhealed state, she is not able to. She thinks, I went through it, I did not die. Sometimes she says, it is the way of women. If you are strong like me, you will raise strong sons to rescue you. She will never chastise him, well not seriously anyway. A slap on the wrist at most.

In some strange way, she lives through her son. She feels vindicated while running amuck ‘through’ her son. Breaking hearts, being ‘invincible’, spending money recklessly. Don’t you see her? Standing by her son at every party, too much make-up, overdressed. She will not stand in the shadows. You will even find out most of his property is in her name. She will welcome the mpangos to her home, she will accept shopping from his conquests.

We are not judging her, us. No one understands the level of hell a woman goes through trying to provide for her children, trying to be a mother while she is being tortured—physically, emotionally, financially or all the above. Suffering until they (our children) become people to be reckoned with. Our redemption.

As hard as it has been, as painful as it still is, enabling more pain does not erase what we went through. It does not absolve us in any way. Those children being born everywhere are us. We are continuing to hurt ourselves. Tears cried in our sons’ names is karma. We are continuing to create hell for our children and one day it will all burn. And we might still be alive to watch.

Let us look for ways to heal. Do whatever it takes to stop the cycle. Raise better men consciously, not through your pain. No good thing comes from pain despite our best intentions.

Now that we have been forced to slow down, let us take the time to look inward. Let us spend our time out doing some internal housekeeping.

Also to the girls and women getting involved with men with multiple children all over the place, exactly why would you run into a tornado? If he is not looking after 12 children, giving him a 13th will not make him father of the year. What is wrong with you?

Anyway, wash your hands and stay safe.

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