RELATIONSHIPS

Ladies, here is how to keep that man

Men want to know why I do not write about their concerns when it comes to relationships.

In Summary

• Keep up to date with current affairs. Learn a thing or two about his job or his hobbies so that you can engage him in stimulating conversation that is beyond the boil you found on your child’s behind.

•  Keep yourself busy and decent. He cannot have left you in your once pink nightdress in the morning to come back at 7pm to find you on the couch in the same outfit.

Keeping your man
Keeping your man
Image: STAR ILLUSTRATED

 Women often ask me how to keep men. (I wonder why though. Could it be my track record?)

I never know what they want to keep them from or why they would try. I am assuming it is keeping them from other women. The only way I know how to do this is to tie him with a chain onto a pole. I figure it should be like keeping a goat or a cow. I am looking for a candidate willing to test my theory.

Men, on the other hand, want to know why I do not write about their concerns when it comes to relationships. I would have thought this would have been obvious, I am not a man. Surprise!

 

Anyway, I figured both issues are related. Maybe if we knew what issues men had, then we would be able to keep them.

So I set out to do research. What do men want that will make them happy enough to be ‘kept’.

All the men I spoke to said they wanted peace and quiet. They would like to get home and sit in silence. They do not want to hear about Mama Njoki’s new Harrier or that you suspect the neighbours child is, in fact, the son of their driver. Get a girlfriend for this. Your man is not your gossip mate.

They like organisation and proactiveness. You cannot call him in the middle of his important work meeting to ask him what you will do about the chicken he bought. Because you only have a recipe for broiler chicken and he bought kienyeji chicken. My dear, call your mother or a friend. Better still, I think Google can come up with how to cook free-range/ organic chicken. Do not let him start thinking that he took cows to your home only to end up with another cow in his.

Be attentive. Remember the way you knew that he liked hot water first thing in the morning and his oranges peeled? He needs you to keep up that stuff. Have his meal ready when he comes home from work. Do not let him ask for food: Why do you think he has stopped eating after marrying you?

Compliment him. Men also want to know their eyes do something or the other to you.

Keep up to date with current affairs. Learn a thing or two about his job or his hobbies so that you can engage him in stimulating conversation that is beyond the boil you found on your child’s behind.

 

Keep yourself busy and decent. He cannot have left you in your once pink nightdress in the morning to come back at 7pm to find you on the couch in the same outfit. Apparently, it is a turn off after spending all day with women who were smelling good, dressed well, clean with fresh breath only to come home to find the love of your life with her breasts almost on her knees, drool marks on the face and electrocuted type hair. And all she has been doing is yapping on the phone and trying to dig holes in your sofa with her bum.

Try to keep it to the one period a month. Men can also count. And the headaches have cures plus he is not going to be touching your head. It will not kill you to find out what he likes, better still remember. Men do not change much. If he likes a mowed lawn, act accordingly. If he is old school, also adapt.

Most importantly, do not nag. They hate it so much ladies. Tell him once and move on. He heard. The bible says, "A constant dripping on a day of steady rain And a contentious woman are alike’. (Proverbs 27:15) It is so serious that someone, probably one with a nagging wife decided to put it in the bible.

So there we have it ladies and gentlemen. I think I have helped the gents get some points across. As for the ladies, now you know what to do. I must also mention here that even if you do all these things, he will probably look for another woman to do these things as well. My theory seems to be the only foolproof (pun) way to keep a man.

Chains are available locally at all hardware shops.

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