Men continue to surprise me. While one man is trying to figure out how to beat traffic and get home to his children before they sleep, another circus monkey is sending Sh200 to his children who he has not seen in months and has no plans to. Before you get excited ati ‘oh, maybe that’s all he has!’ he has a job.
Those nice ladies who are usually called upon to help the bride and her groom cut the wedding cake (do they have an official name?); The ones who give useless advice like, “if you want your husband to stay with you, you must never sleep in a T-shirt advertising ‘ng’ombe ni singenge’”? Well, someone said no one will allow me to be one of those women unless I start writing articles giving ‘good’ advice. That is, unless I start telling lies. I call it as I see it. I wish I had known the whole truth. Maybe my advice would be ‘good’ now.
My firstborn daughter turns 18 next month! I look at her and I am proud and scared at the same time. She has so much greatness and abundance waiting for her. She can have it all. She should have it all. She will have it all. I feel it is up to me to make sure she has it all. It depends on how I tell her and show her the truth. This includes living my truth. The truth people call ‘bad’ advice.
I read somewhere that we spend our adult lives trying to save our mothers. There is so much truth in that statement because many decisions I have made and sometimes continue to make, many choices I make are to somehow free my mother and my grandmother from their unhappiness. Mostly caused by the men they were married to and societal expectations.
Do not get me wrong, I love my father, but he was not a good husband. I have learnt to separate the two. I do not want my daughter to have to save me, I want her to just live her life and enjoy it. So I have tried to enjoy mine and do what I want. It has not always been easy, but I am not suicidal or homicidal. For me, that is a win.
So in as much as I am living on my own terms, there are other truths I must reveal to her. I asked a group of women with adult daughters, “How do we tell them the truth without shattering their innocence? How do we tell them that when they start having sex, they must enjoy it? How do we teach them how to enjoy it? How do we teach them that femininity is a gift? How do we teach them to choose themselves first in a society that thinks a good woman is one who neglects herself? How do we equip them?”
My daughters (I have two others) do what you want to do, not even I can limit you. Consciously choose happiness. Duck society and its expectations. If it is not working start afresh. Start as many times as you like. Whatever it is, marriage, career, business. Reboot.
You are beautiful.
There is nothing you can do to keep a man, no lingerie, no food you can cook, no sex style, no prayer, no magic portion. Listen even if you bring another woman he will not stay. Men choose, and that is not a bad thing. You should too. So if you like, sleep in a doom T-shirt, lie flat on your back and serve noodles, what is yours will stay.
You are enough.
Read, travel, eat and sleep. Enrich yourselves spiritually. Help somebody. Wear dresses and heels even to the boardroom. Always wear colour. Order fresh flowers often. Drink good wine. Keep your sense of humour. Work smart as much as you can. Do not be stupid. (Your mother isn’t so if you are, it’s not from me)
Learn different sex styles. If you want. Sex is not a performance. Experience it. Take your time. Not every man is worth your body.
You are loved.
And if you cannot do it and need a rest, come home. (I am building a one bedroom house though, but you can sleep on the floor while you build your wing, there will be plenty of room for extensions)
For Maria, as your 18th approaches. For Maya and Mali.
