I want to dedicate this first paragraph to the fathers out there who are there for their children no matter what. We see you dropping your kids at school in the morning and walking them to class. We see you trying to understand what your teenage daughters are asking for at the clothes shop.
We have shown you the best porridge to buy for madam at the uji section in the supermarket. We have even swooned over you when you bring your little ones to events without their mamas and are trying desperately to get them to eat. Granted, only your wives know your devilish ways, but your kids have different memories.
My mother used to say many things. They are just now beginning to make sense. One of the things she kept saying to me was, if you decide to leave a man, go and stay gone. Do not threaten to go. Another thing she said was, do what you want (in a relationship), do not do something to show the man that you can do it because you want a reaction. You will be very hurt.
Of course, at the time I thought my mum had no clue. Those things did not work on their men (our fathers). We, the young girls were going to marry good men. Men who were moved by our emotions.
The first time I cried in front of another reptile, he was so moved by my tears, I think he even shed a tear. I had just found out some other girl had shown up at his door with a baby. And I was leaving him goddammit! He would not let me and we cried together as I threatened to leave and he begged me to stay and I thought of my mother's words and said to myself, I knew it, men of nowadays are moved by tears and threats!
That was of course before I gave birth. As mama Wangeci, who used to sell me kienyeji chicken by the roadside, used to say, ‘zaa watoto wawili watatu uone vile madharau huanza [push out two or three kids and watch the contempt kick in]!’ I found out when I would be crying, so frustrated that I would want to jump up and down, that silly pig would just be reading his newspaper. So I stopped crying, I stopped threatening. I only spoke when I was sure what I said is what I would do. And when I went, I stayed gone.
The other day I was reminded of my former foolish self as we were eavesdropping on a conversation from a table next to us. A group of ladies were trying to comfort their friend. She was in tears as she narrated how she found her husband on the phone with his girlfriend and he did not even bother to hang up. Even as she threatened to kill herself and the children too. Her well-meaning but clueless friends encouraged her to also go out, have fun and get a man. That they should both come in the morning so that he would know she can also ‘enjoy’.
Friend, listen, I am all for the enjoyment of all females. I really am. But is that enjoyment what you want? Are you ready for the repercussions? Have you secured the bag? Because some of you want to enjoy and you are solely dependent on that bugger that you want to vex.
Stop acting crazy if your goal is to salvage the relationship. There is nothing attractive about a needy and desperate woman. Fine, he might fear the first few times you threaten to kill yourself or go, but after many days of finding you still alive after your threats, the kick wears off. In fact, he will start encouraging you to kill yourself or to go.
If your intention is also to go, do not threaten. Weigh the pros and cons, decide what you can live with and execute.
I know we really want them to see that we can also go out and have fun. It is not fun when you are doing it for someone to feel bad. Worse still if they do not even realise you are trying to make them feel bad.
A certain lady left her kids with their father and disappeared for two days. Nobody called to ask where she had gone. She went back home day three and found her little girls and their father were not at home. She called her husband frantically, only for her daughter to answer and say, ‘they are at aunty’s house for a sleepover.’ We know who ‘aunty’ is.
