DATING GAME

Ladies, steer clear of these jesters

Here's how to spot them from a mile away.

In Summary

• Texter. Never makes plans to meet you. Sends you love poems, love songs and voice notes.

• Listen, a man should make plans to meet up in the first week. Otherwise, you have a penpal.

Dating when you are older is fun if you have a sense of humour. If you take yourself very seriously, it is a murky disappointing jungle. The secret, as my boss keeps telling me, is to keep the fan belt moving. Do not stop and hang around for too long if it (he) is not what you want.

There are those men who have perfected the art of time wasting. If you are not careful, the universe might find you with a joker and pass you over thinking there is no vacuum. So today let me help my sisters a little bit with how to know some of these jesters from a mile away.

The day scholar. He will be in your WhatsApp from 8am to 5pm and will announce that he is home at say 6pm. He is off all weekend. If you are slow, you will think he likes to tell you where he is (and you know we like knowing where our men are). He is letting you know that he is now under the watchful eye of his wife and has to be the monogamous husband he pretends to be. Unless you like day time porn clips and sending nudes from your office bathroom, it is advised to nip this nonsense in the bud.

Texter. Never makes plans to meet you. Sends you love poems, love songs and voice notes. He has this busy lifestyle but no one sees him anywhere. He probably sought you out via a social media platform. He will not send you pictures of himself. Makes you wonder if he is in prison. Listen, a man should make plans to meet up in the first week. Otherwise, you have a penpal.

Liar liar. This one is draining. Nothing he says is the truth. He promises everything. He ‘knows’ everyone. The day of reckoning is usually when he needs to deliver. Suddenly he is a magician. Disappears clean from the face of the earth.

The wolf in sheep's clothing. He does not drink or smoke. Probably a deacon in church or a cell group leader, maybe even a pastor. Marital status is rarely discussed, but, he has a huge problem with your drinking (if you drink) and the fact that you see no need to go to church. Why? Your body is the temple of God.

For a while you think maybe you can change, he has powerful sermons. Until he sends you a detailed message of what he wants to do to you when you next meet. Let us just say King Solomon was not that creative. Also, you are left to wonder if we are supposed to use the temple of God or another body to fornicate. Do you really want to deal with a hypocrite?

Liar liar. This one is draining. Nothing he says is the truth. He promises everything. He ‘knows’ everyone. The day of reckoning is usually when he needs to deliver. Suddenly he is a magician. Disappears clean from the face of the earth. This fool usually has the audacity to reappear after a couple of weeks or months. Maybe hoping you are suffering from amnesia so you can pick up from where you left off. Demanding an explanation often makes him disappear again. If you want peace, use the block button.

The victim. This one has 99 problems and everything is included. His mother, his ex-wife, her mother, his children, his girlfriend, the government, everyone is after him. Everyone owes him. He has conspiracy theories about everything, even why his electricity was disconnected. Never mind that he did not pay his bill.

The self-proclaimed intellect who is a male chauvinist pig. This guy can be confusing because he comes off as a well-read and exposed fellow. His idea of complimenting you is insulting other women (the ones who have seen through his horse dung) and quickly adding “not like you”

The randy hyena. Yes, women like that men, or a particular man, think they are sexy, and even say it. But it is disturbing when you send a random hi and the reply is a photo of a trouser snake captioned with claims of what it can do to make your day better. I say do not wait around to prove him wrong.

The self-proclaimed intellect who is a male chauvinist pig. This guy can be confusing because he comes off as a well-read and exposed fellow. His idea of complimenting you is insulting other women (the ones who have seen through his horse dung) and quickly adding “not like you”. He is also proficient in gaslighting. The minute you see signs, run, do not think you can change him, you cannot.

 

There are many more types of buggers, but they give me a word limit and there are only 24 hours in a day. What I am trying to say is recognise the signs early and jump off that ship before you sink with it.

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