Sadly, this truly is a man's world

I often say that in my next life, I am coming back as an African man. I have been having deep conversations with God and I think we are in agreement. I do not think there is a species that is more entitled. I do not say this in a bad way by the way. I am just amused at some of the things men get away with.

Take for example growing old. Society is very accepting of men growing old. You will hear terms like silver fox being thrown around loosely. No one will really mind dancing with a 60-year-old man at the club as the DJ plays ‘kamatia chini’. The mzee will be getting down in his woollen suit, grinding on a girl his daughter's age.

Now let a 60-year-old woman rock up at that same club in her kitenge. “Mama ya nani amekuja club?” No silver vixen, mama. By the way, I used to be one of those people who used to laugh at older women in the club in their kitenges. I have since repented.

What I am asking is why is it natural for a man to grow old and no one really sees him as out of place anywhere but a woman now needs to prepare for death? Why is society quick to embarrass a woman using her age like we went out of the norm by growing old?

Excuse me, from the time I was born, I started growing older, I am sorry, but after so many years on earth, I will become an old woman, not a unicorn. C’est la ducking vie.

Speaking of being expected to act out of nature, I had eaten a really crazy mix of available food one morning. After finishing I told man, "Jeez, the smelly farts that are going to be released today!" And man has the audacity to reply "eeeeewww". I thought he meant eeeewww food, but it was eeeewww farts. Then he followed by saying, "I just expect everything about women to smell like flowers."

Please note, women just expect farts to be foul smelling—from men or women. Because I am a good woman and I do not start unnecessary fights and man likes peace, I promised him that I would swallow some flowers to counter the gas that would be produced.

So if you are not growing old or and farting, you probably have children. Oh and how people love to throw it around as a reason you should not do anything. In fact, I heard an ill-mannered woman say to a group of people, "Oh, she has no kids so she will be fun!”

Another shameless man says to a friend who he wanted to date, “but you have children” because she expected fidelity. Countless women are always asked if their children are from the same man. Meanwhile, in most cases, the man asking knows only of five of his children from three baby mamas, but, he is morally upright. Children are a gift from God.

The biggest of sins women commit though is knowing what you want in a man. And actually trying to get a man with those qualities. (You would rather be old, have children from different fathers and fart, really smelly farts.) After all getting 'a' man is a privilege. No matter the man.

So when you catch one, you must not squeeze too tight (read expect a lot) because he will suffocate and die. And if he wants to go, your grip must be loose enough. Just pray in the war room. And if he comes back no matter how long after, praise Jesus because He answers prayers.

Did I say biggest of sins? Well, now the unforgivable sin is leaving a man. (He can leave you though) Many a woman has paid dearly, sometimes with her life. Not having patience and the will to endure a man (like their mothers used to).

Not wanting to look after a man, buy him drinks or pay for rooms. Not praying through the abuse and mistreatment. Thinking you deserve more than what he offers. A man can leave a woman because she is old, fat, thin, even barren. Let her leave him because he is not financially fit.

This is a man’s world, true, but according to James Brown, “it would be nothing without a woman or a girl...” Sometimes, what is good for the goose is good for the gander, no?