DATING WILDERNESS

To avoid heartache keep your ears open

We listen passively; we don’t marry words and actions.

In Summary

• We don’t ask questions to get better knowledge of what’s really being said to us or asked of us.

• We just want to be well behaved and accepted.

Last week we agreed to hear what we were being told and leave the devil out of things. I feel like our biggest problem in relationships is that we do not understand what is being said because we just listen to hear, not to understand.

We listen passively. We do not marry words and actions. We do not ask questions to get better knowledge of what is really being said to us or asked of us. We just want to be well behaved and accepted.

Someone said to me, “You know we are Africans, we like things kept under the rug (mat), we don’t like reality, especially on relationship matters.” What fun would that be though? Also, no daughter of mine will be blaming the devil for things I should have told her.

So today, think of me as John the Baptist, preparing the way. A voice in this dating wilderness that is Nairobi.

When a man says to you that he does not lie. He is lying. All men lie, mostly to protect your feelings. If he likes you that is. Also If he does not like you. I know it is confusing. It just is what it is.

If he says he wants you to accept him for him. You must find out who he is before you accept him. Usually men who just want to be accepted for being alive only have sperm to offer in that relationship. Unless of course, that is what you want, then please receive.

When a man says to you that he does not lie. He is lying. All men lie, mostly to protect your feelings. If he likes you that is. Also If he does not like you. I know it is confusing. It just is what it is.

My favourite is when a man proclaims that all the women that he has met have been crazy except of course, you. My sister, you are the next Mathare client. He is the common denominator. Understand what he is saying to you. He drives women insane.

The deal breaker, rather what should be a deal breaker is this horrible, not well thought out sentence. ‘I want you to have my baby.’ Excuse me, to do what with? Women have fallen for this rubbish for centuries. Listen, he just wants sex. Quickly. Unprotected.

Women are shamed daily for wanting money, for wanting and connecting with men that have money. We are shamed for being women and needing security. Men who usually cannot provide you with security will tell you that he wants an independent woman. What do you need independence from? From holding him accountable. What he is doing to you is denying you your right to be vulnerable, to be feminine.

‘I’m looking for wife material!’ Men who say this to women need to be run out of town. When a man says this, he more than often has the picture of his long-suffering mother or grandmother in mind.

She did not speak up, or if she did it was quickly shut up. This woman stayed through abuse, misuse and use. She barely owned anything in her name and blindly followed whatever religion was handed to her. No one asked her about her dreams or needs. Wish that mother ducker luck on his search and be on your way.

The funniest one is that he is taking time out to rethink his life. You must ask him who he is sleeping with though. There is no single man. Not even a priest.

You are an adult, you can pick your own friends. He decides though that he knows your friends better and keeps telling you how he does not like a certain lady friend of yours. He will keep repeating it and not have a useful reason for disliking her. This is because he actually likes her. The plan is to divide and conquer. Do not board.

There are things you cannot hide, a pregnancy, your character and your wife. And so, on to the last one. ‘I am not married!’ Marriage means different things to different people. More so men. So you cannot take this at face value. Dig deeper. Ask if he has a wife, a woman who stays in his house and shares his bed, maybe has given birth to his children.

I cannot guarantee that you will decipher everything your love interest will tell you, but at least now you will not be that woman walking around with her dress in her underwear.