If she is not your wife, you are asking for too much

I wrote an article on Mpango wa Kandos not knowing how to act and ever since a few (I am not going to lie that it is ‘many of you’) women have requested that maybe I tell men too how to act.

I usually do not like being told what to write about but this seems important enough. So, ladies, this one is for you.

Dear men, if she is not your wife, please do not ask for ungodly positions and actions. Use with care, this will be someone else’s wife. Ask your wife to perform those strange things. You are allowed to explore together, but you cannot meet an innocent bystander and ask her to fulfil your wicked fantasies so that you can go home happy to your wife. She is the one who lives in your house (we hope, if you live in her house, we hope you are doing the screaming) and eats your food, all styles and shidas belong to her. Go home and come back out happy. Not vice versa.

 [email protected] of shidas, if you have a lovely wife at home, she should be the one to stand by you in times of trouble. Please let us stop burdening third parties with problems they did not create and whose outcome, which I want to say is usually good, they will not reap from.

If the trouble is your wife, then engage your best couple, priest, parents, certified counsellor or and police. You score no points by telling us on the outside how bad your wife is.

If you can speak ill of your wife, the one whom you went to get from her parents’ home with your friends and relatives, who has given birth to your children, and I am sure one of those children is named after your own mother and whom you will still go back to after ranting and insulting, what about those on the outside who have not even picked a common kitten by the wayside and given to you? What are you saying about them? (Ladies, this is a dangerous man, stay clear of such men)

People on the outside are not here to change you. They deal with you on an ‘as is’ basis. If you wear cream socks with green trousers, that is how you will be dealt with. If you think deodorant is a luxury, as is (for those with lungs of steel). To try and change you will awaken the FBI at home. So, if you feel you need to style up, do so in your own free time.

Do not introduce your children to the ‘outsiders’. Your children only have one mother. Respect her, respect them and respect yourself. You cannot be carrying your kids to different ‘Aunties’ every weekend. What really is wrong with you?

Have boundaries, even just some is ok, you cannot invite your mpango to your matrimonial home because madam is away. No matter how romantic the evil spirits in your head have convinced you that cooking for her in a home environment would be. There is a reason why people run serviced apartments, please support those businesses.

Protect your wife. Do not start revealing her name, telephone number and her place of business. Many people out here are cruel and downright evil. Separate issues unless you have decided that you are all one happy (mostly on your side) family and you are openly polygamous. It must be clear, from you that your wife and her feelings are not what is on the table for entertainment.

You cannot go to a house where you do not pay any bills, remove your clothes, have your three minutes of fame and then sleep like you are dead. This is how people find themselves jumping off balconies with only their lives. Remember we said we are supporting businesses. Unless of course you have taken it to another level in which case we expect that you are paying the rent and so we shall not be seeing you in all your glory running for dear life.

Cut your coat according to your size. Do not try to impress people on the outside that your family suffers, that you get into debt, that you become a liar, that you have to borrow/ steal money from your wife. You will not die if you do not play away games. Playing only at home does not make you less of a man.

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