The other day someone called me a feminist. He said I frown upon traditional behaviour of women. I was very curious to know what this behaviour was. As if it was not enough that he hurt my feelings by calling me a feminist, he said that traditional women’s behaviour was that of servitude. According to my dictionary, Servitude, a noun, means (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/servitude)
1. The state of being a slave; slavery.
2. (Legal) A qualified beneficial interest severed or fragmented from the ownership of an inferior property and attached to a superior property.
Now, Let us get a few things clear. One, I am not a feminist. Weep if you must. Two, I am not an authority on traditional women’s behaviour. In as much as I am a woman, I may not be traditional, but I can easily tell you I was not to be a servant or a slave.
Why would I think this? In the old days, before you married a woman, you made sure you had a home to take her to. A decent one. There was a piece of land she would farm, some chicken or goats, a cow even to milk for the children you would both have. Then you would need dowry.
What an expensive slave. You even had to prove you had these things, and her family would not even take your word, an aunt, a go-between would be sent to your home to see what type of people you and your family were. You were not doing a woman a favour by marrying her. If anything, she did you a favour.
Somewhere along the way, a few men became abusive and others thought that was what a traditional man was meant to be. A wicked man who kicked the dog, hissed at the chicken, yelled at the door and children scampered and then slapped his wife or wives before swallowing whatever was set for supper. A poor man could not get a wife. I wonder why the modern man expects a woman to suffer with him.
If you think a woman is meant to be a slave or servant, if you think a good wife is one who, like your mother, stays in a relationship where she is not cared for, where she does not thrive, you are an abusive man. I know you may have never physically hit a woman. Surprise! That is not the only form of abuse.
Then there are the ‘Bible says a woman ought to submit to her husband’ crowd. I really wonder about some people. If you have decided to follow the Bible, please try and read more than that verse. In fact, just read a verse before and after.
First, the woman should submit to HER husband. I remember being in an office meeting and some gentleman (I use the term loosely), says to me, that since I am the only woman in the room, I should serve the men tea. Okay, this would not be a problem if serving tea was in my job description. Since it was not, I suggested that since he did not want to do ‘womanly’ roles, it would be wise to carry his wife around to do them!
Secondly, the verse before asks the man to love his wife (I like to say ‘or wives’ because we are Africans) as Christ loved the Church. That same Bible says Christ laid down his life for the church. That is how much love a man must have for his wife/wives. Would you lay down your life for her? If you expect her to submit you should be willing to.
Submission is not by force, it is not servitude. If you love a woman, well, what reason does she have not to submit, even love you back? It is not enough to expect a woman to stay with you because your mother stayed in an abusive marriage. A good woman is not a slave or a servant. A good woman is not a doormat. This is not feminism, it is common sense.