Dear Miguna Miguna,
To start with, I want to confirm to you that you will not become Nairobi governor. And you can borrow a loan from Equity Bank against this prediction. It is bankable. I will buy you coffee after you lose so that I can explain to you why you lost. But for now, I will respond to three issues that you raised.
First, let me congratulate you for painting a picture of ‘Miguna as The Champion of the Nairobi Poor’. That is exactly the thing to do when campaigning — Niccolò Machiavelli would be so proud of you. However, you only get an A for effort but an E for believability. Let me tell you why.
You have an extremely deluded picture of what poverty in Nairobi really is. Your imagination of poverty is limited to a well-dressed, resourceful youth displaying her impressive credentials at an intersection.
By the time you wrote your article, by the way, she had been an intern for almost a month at the Youth Fund. She has never been homeless as you claim. This only shows that you are out of touch. To make it worse, your pious response ended up exposing something else: You suffer from a severe case of the ‘Messiah complex’. Why else would you declare that walking down European streets would be an unfathomable dream to women like her? Are you the custodian of their dreams? Should they moderate their ambitions because they happen not to be privileged?
Second, there is no evidence that you have unrivalled, undying, passionate love and dedication for the Nairobi poor. You therefore score a big round zero on track record. In fact, if a poor Nairobian hits you on the head, you would not recognise them. You will need to prove otherwise. Preferably through visual exhibits: Photos of you sweating in the trenches in a slum, kissing babies in dilapidated spaces, listening attentively to people’s grievances in ‘kibandas’ and protesting unfair evictions. Demonstrate that your sweat has mixed with the soil. Otherwise, I declare your intentions for the poor of Nairobi nothing but hot air. Moshi!
Third, an assessment of your revolutionary credentials does not pass muster. What are your ideological persuasions? You cannot compare yourself to Karl Marx. He was a great thinker. What are your revolutionary thoughts and actions? Even my 12-year-old niece is an anti-corruption crusader in her own little way. Should we now start calling her ‘El Comandante’? Where is your Movement? Perhaps here you can score something. Even I am part of your Movement. Your corruption-free, ‘drain-the-swamp’ mantra appeals to me. But it is not original to you, it is a borrowed ideology. I do think that you are the best option we have amongst our basket of deplorables. The best. But make no mistake: You are no Marx, Fidel Castro, Friedrich Engels, Vladimir Lenin, Frantz Fanon or Amílcar Cabral.
Revolutionaries are men and women of action. The closest we have seen you interacting with a large group of people is when you were traversing the country four years ago, promoting your book of secrets. Even then, whenever you were heckled, or sensed a storm brewing, you took off. Doesn’t sound like a courageous Che Guevara to me!
In Kisumu, you fled for your life, leaving your signature hat on the ground.
Now Miguna, if you cannot even rescue your fallen hat, you are telling us that you can liberate Nairobians from 55 years of oppression? The Che you compare yourself with said, “The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall.”
Yours sincerely, Daisy.