Can I just declare this for the umpteenth time: I am not a feminist. I am not interested in that war, especially from that angle. I am an African woman with African values. Are some of our traditions oppressive to women and children? Yes. And like all societies have been given a chance to evolve, so must we, without having to adopt western ideologies.
Just because I want to serve my man or even remove his shoes does not mean I do not care about FGM issues. I do not have to be angry to care about educating the girl child. I care about all these issues and more and I am still able to be tender towards my man.
Last week I got very interesting reactions to my article. Mostly from women who had not even read the article. I blame myself for engaging the first few women. Also to be fair to me I honestly thought if you decided to complain about something, you at least knew what it was and not some made-up scenarios in your head.
In case you did not read it, I was basically telling women to be a support system for THEIR men. Nani, if you have a man, he has put a roof over your head, he loves your children, when your car has a puncture you call him and he sorts it out, maybe he even helps out with your siblings' education and your parents’ medical bills; why would you want to be useless to him? Why would you want him to share his deepest darkest secrets with someone else? Did you women marry enemies? Because I do not understand some of your arguments.
So I was told a number of things. “If he wants to cry in another woman’s bosom that’s his business, I will also get someone!” “I am not interested in keeping a man!” “These days women also move outside, we are not interested!” “Why are you always thinking about men and not women!” (is this one sure she has read any of my articles yawa?)
Then there was one who proceeded to give me statistics of old single white women in the US. Apparently, they made more money than married women. Note, this is a woman who claims to be happy in marriage, touting mysterious numbers of strangers in faraway places as proof that women do not need men.
I know it is fashionable to be a feminist. It might even feel good to stand up and just shut down anything pertaining to men. Could we at least try to be reasonable? Just because I talk about the shit some men put women through does not mean that I hate men. I just call things out as I see them. Jim beat Jane. Dan does not look after his kids. James is promiscuous. Where is the hate? Read to understand.
When I wake up tomorrow and tell you Anne, that your man is a relatively good man (we have seen some wild beasts out here yawa), try and be there for him. Not that we care so much about Anne’s husband, it is also because they expect us to care out here and you are the one in their house. We are just trying to find balance.
But if you are competing with him, then let that bugger lose or seek some form of healing. Why are you angry with your man because women are paid less than men? It is wrong, yes, but your man just needs a wife. Can you be that, Susan?
Our need to be on the ‘right’ side of history can really backfire, especially if our efforts are directed at the wrong target. There is a lot of injustice against women in our part of the world. That is not in dispute. It will not be corrected by having general anger towards men. It is even more ridiculous when you dislike your spouse, whom you married as an adult without any coercion.
We want to believe you married your friend. Someone you like. If the person is good to you, the law of reciprocity demands that you are good in turn. If he is not, you are not a tree. Move. You are not less of a woman if you take care of your man. You can still have strong opinions on gender, war, hunger, etc and still be a good person. I promise.
Suddenly, there is a man in my Facebook inbox. “Man basher!” he called me. You monkeys need a circus.
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