In spite of efforts of riding till the wheels fall off, some marriages are simply not destined to weather the storm.
Despite the unpredictable circumstances surrounding divorce, Kenyans remain split in their opinions of dating divorcees.
When Mackenzie Wanjiru, recently single, matched up with her ex-boyfriend on Tinder, she thought that she had found her prince charming.
Always having a preference for older guys, their 10-year age gap did not ward her off.
However, when her ex-boyfriend mentioned during their first date that he had recently gone through a divorce, Wanjiru became a little apprehensive.
She did not have the best experience with dating divorcees, but after he reassured her that he had fully moved on, Wanjiru decided to give him a chance.
The first months were bliss with her ex-boyfriend spoiling Wanjiru constantly with dates at high-end restaurants, random gifts, weekly flowers, and dropping her off at work every morning.
Even more romantic for Wanjiru was that her ex-boyfriend paid attention to one of their initial conversations and surprised her with weekend activities filled with adrenaline.
After accepting the bare minimum from men, Wanjiru felt like the universe was rewarding her perseverance.
The switch flipped immediately after the ex-wife relocated from Canada to Kenya.
Their evenings, which would normally be filled with upbeat conversations after stressful work hours, became therapy sessions for Wanjiru’s ex-boyfriend.
For hours on end, Wanjiru’s ex-boyfriend would insistently complain that his ex-wife destroyed their marriage. Initially, Wanjiru tried to be receptive and empathetic.
However, when his ex-wife took the center stage in all of their conversations, Wanjiru was at her wits' end.
“Can you imagine the whiplash I got when I went through his phone and found out he had been cheating on me with his ex-wife since she relocated back to Kenya?” Wanjiru poses.
When Wanjiru angrily confronted her ex-boyfriend, he finally came clean and informed her that his complaints about his ‘toxic’ ex-wife were because the ex-wife adamantly refused to get back with him.
Completely appalled that she had been used like a pawn in a chess game between her ex-boyfriend and the ex-wife, Wanjiru vowed never to date a divorcee in the future.
Fredrick Ogutu’s case is more absurd because of the fact that he was kept in the dark about his ex-girlfriend being previously married twice.
Though currently relishing his bachelor phase, Ogutu recounts how he was duped into a relationship with a divorcee.
Locking eyes with her ex-girlfriend the first time on a random Tuesday at the bus stage, Ogutu immediately felt a spark. Not willing to waste this opportunity, Ogutu approached her and asked for her number.
An out-of-the-blue encounter like that was what birthed a beautiful relationship that Ogutu thought would withstand the test of time.
Prior to dating, Ogutu already knew that his ex-girlfriend had a son. Not willing to be webbed in drama, Ogutu prodded about her relationship with the biological father.
After she informed Ogutu that the biological father to her son had passed away, Ogutu was sure that there would be no drama sighting and readily stepped up in the father figure role.
After a few months of dating, Ogutu began noticing peculiar behaviour from his ex-girlfriend.
When Ogutu asked if he could meet her parents, his ex-girlfriend embarrassingly fumbled her way through a flimsy excuse, claiming that she wanted to live in their bubble longer before her parents burst it with their usual skepticism.
Moreover, Ogutu had noticed that there was a particular man his ex-girlfriend was unnecessarily close.
Even the son who normally kept to himself did not somehow seem to mind this man’s company. When Ogutu asked about this, his ex-girlfriend said that the man is her cousin.
“When the ‘cousin’ finally informed me that he is actually the second ex-husband, I felt enraged that my ex-girlfriend had tossed me in the middle of the exact drama I was trying to avoid,” Ogutu laments.
All in all, there are successful love stories that began with dating divorcees.
Ruth Nekesa, married for six years, never imagined that she would be one of those women who dated a divorcee.
However, after a certain tall, dark and handsome divorcee came into her life, Nekesa knew that she would be dammed if she passed this opportunity of happily ever after.
Not wanting to lead Nekesa on, her husband informed her on their first dinner date that he was a divorcee.
Completely thrown off by this information, Nekesa initially put up her walls.
Nevertheless, after a few months of dating and seeing how emotionally mature he was, she began slowly letting him into her heart.
For the first time, Nekesa felt safe enough to truly be herself around a man.
Around him, Nekesa no longer felt the need to be on fight or flight mode in fear of abandonment.
After two years of dating, Nekesa had fallen deeply in love, and she could not imagine a world without him by her side.
“Six years later in marriage, I do not regret opening up my heart to my husband- he is the calm in my storm,” Nekesa says with a hint of a smile.
According to Dan Chege, a relationship expert, divorcees also deserve their fair shot at love.
Divorce can befall anyone, and the notion by society that divorcees are ‘damaged goods’ is both insensitive and fallacious.
When dating divorcees, emotional readiness and personal growth are key. It's important to take things slow, be honest, respectful, and patient, while prioritising self-care and trusting your instincts.
Before deciding to date a divorcee, it is crucial to confirm without reasonable doubt that the divorcee is not second-guessing the divorce.
Getting in a relationship with a divorcee who is not ready emotionally for a new chapter is a recipe for disaster.
That being said, it is important to note that divorcees are not super-humans with no emotional baggage. Asking a divorcee to have no emotional baggage after a divorce is a tall order.
As long as the divorcee is actively working out their emotional baggage, a successful relationship is feasible.
“I know that a divorcee might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but if you are a person open to finding love, dating a divorcee might be the beginning of your beautiful love story,” Chege advises.
