The slang phrase 'husband ni wako akiwa home, na wetu akiwa nje (a husband is yours at home, and ours when he is away from home)' sums up the skewed view of marriage in our social culture today. The frustration of many married couples – some to the point of murder – is proof that we need better information on marriage.
While the platforms to talk about marriage and relationships have increased, helpful information and conversations have either dwindled or have been drowned out by the trends.
The now ubiquitous FM radio stations, pop culture podcasts and gossip shows only address the information itch, but do not answer to the lack of skills and knowledge needed to navigate relationships and people dynamics.
Instead, the outlets simply stir up dirt in settled water, with scandalous perspectives and the promotion of promiscuity and infidelity, rather than presenting workable solutions. But why is there such a huge information gap about marriage in the first place?
The short answer is that most people simply haven’t been taught. The art of effective relating is hardly taught in school. In religious settings, it is often not taught practically. And the teachings we get in our adolescent years are largely incorrect.
The irony is that right from the time we are born, we are relating and learning how to relate, consciously and subconsciously, with self and with those around us.
A key area of marriage and relationships that is often skipped over is one’s relationship with self, which involves recognising one’s needs and meeting them accordingly first before expecting another person to fill any void in oneself.
People who fail to develop a healthy relationship with themselves can go to extremes in a relationship such as marriage. For instance, they can demand from their partner the attention they unknowingly ought to give to themselves.
Earlier this year, an online video allegedly showing the wife of a DJ ingesting a poisonous substance, ultimately causing her death, caused a major uproar among Kenyans.
In the video, the woman’s actions, speech, and demeanour before taking the poison and while experiencing the effects, showed someone seeking attention and recognition. It was something only she could give herself at that point.
A quick Google search on mariticide (wives killing husbands) and uxoricide (husbands killing wives) cases in the country reveals a trend of deaths as a result of heightened emotional reactions: jealousy, resentment, anger, insecurity and fear.
Thika-based counsellor and psychologist Francis Chege recently told a writer that contestation for marital property, perpetual marital violence and jealousy were the leading factors that drove women to mariticide. For all three, the reasoning is often a misguided perception of justice, where one 'has had enough', or revenge.
Beneath the acrimony are vulnerable feelings of hurt, sadness and loneliness – the results of perceived neglect or unmet needs, seen to be the fault of the other. What many often don’t realise is that this is primarily a consequence of self-neglect.
One phrase you often hear when a couple is seeking separation is “it is time to put me first”. Ironically, you find that after divorce, many individuals appear to begin to thrive, the moment they decide to put themselves first. What is even more fascinating is that their satisfaction with life mirrors that of their pre-marital years, or their dating years, especially where a couple had a fun-filled relationship prior.
This then begs the question: What necessitates the 'need to lose one’s relationship with self' in marriage? And why have we not recognised the ill effects of preaching that message?
It is mainly because of lack of the right information on marriage. The right information will build, equip and guide individuals to rightly function, and then relate with one another. It is information that will bring back the true value of self-worth (separating definitions and roles) and empower the family.
We must all start thinking of proactive ways to provide insights that can help marriages to work. The clergy, educational institutions, relevant government ministries and everyone in between must get involved.
Pre-marital and marriage workshops facilitator. [email protected]
