As African women, we are brought up to betray ourselves. That is why so many of us walk around with anger and sadness that we cannot explain. Do not be too ambitious, no man will want you. Hide your money, he should never feel intimidated by the fact that you earn more than him.
If he can afford to take you to the Coast on a donkey do not ask for a plane ticket. Do not question his stupid decisions, he must feel like a man. He decides how many children you have. So what if your teeth are falling out and your bones brittle? A good woman sacrifices to give her husband heirs. In short, set aside your brain if you want a good relationship.
A friend narrated on her Facebook post how she was expected to 'lower' herself, her expectations and her aspirations because her then-partner could not match up. She knew what she wanted and knew that not only did she deserve it, she could get it. But she was expected to 'vumilia'. Yani, betray herself for the sake of a relationship with a man. What about your relationship with yourself?
I know the 'You hate men, you are a golddigger' keyboard warriors are about to start with me. But before you do, I would like to ask some simple questions. What is it about keeping women poor that makes them attractive? Why is a woman who has no ambition the poster child for acceptable women? Do you really think your mother and grandmother enjoyed their life?
A man said to me the other day, I like you but you seem too high maintenance for me. You look like you want expensive things and you will make me work too hard. I do not want to compete with high profile men. I had to smile. Laugh even.
First, I am glad I do not look like I want to have the bare minimum. Second, the response that I know he and most of society expected was, "Oh no I'm not high maintenance, I am down to earth, very manageable, I will follow you where you go, your people will be my people, and really, I am just happy that you chose me so I will switch off my brain!"
I have been in this good and mostly evil world for 43 years now. Most of that time has been spent unlearning a lot of things. This year the theme has been 'Woman, do not betray thyself!'
My dear, this is not an easy road and you will backslide a lot. Stand up for yourself though, every chance you get. It will be lonely but better that than having to look at your betrayer every time you look into the mirror.
When I often think of my grandmother, whom I am named after, I feel so enraged for her. My Dani was a very hardworking woman. Had she been born in a different environment, she and Martha Stewart would be head to head.
She was a farmer, a businesswoman and a wonderful cook. Yet her hard work was enjoyed by her husband. She could not buy land in her name, her husband would disappear and reappear at will with souvenirs. She raised some of them. She cut off her beautiful hair and dressed a certain way because of the version of God the missionaries brought her. She accepted it all.
After all that she went through, why would I want to betray myself? It would be an insult to Dani's struggles. If I choose myself now, I am helping my daughters and granddaughters live a better life. I am helping my sons and grandsons to elevate their thinking.
In the future when my granddaughter, named after me, writes about women, the narrative will be different because she will say, I had a grandma crazy enough to want better for herself. It was not easy, she cried many nights, and she wanted to give up but she chose herself and now it is normal for me to stand up for myself and for everyone around me to support me.
Think of all your ancestral mothers and what they had to put up with and then ask yourself, woman, why does thou betray thyself so?
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