• “My church leaders advised me to stay with my husband and fix my marriage. I would get beaten by him and get thrown out of the house with my children in the middle of the night and my pastor would tell me to go back,” she said.
• “My daughters said ‘These pastors who tell you to stay with our dad are the same ones who will preach at your funeral telling us to take heart after our dad has killed you. They will not know what we are going through. You better leave now that you are still alive," she said.
Image: SELINA TEYIE
For victims of Intimate Partner Violence, leaving an abusive relationship is often difficult when you do not have enough support.
For Jane (not her real name), leaving her abusive marriage of 20 years was made more difficult by the fact that her family and church were not of the decision.
“My church leaders advised me to stay with my husband and fix my marriage. I would get beaten by him and get thrown out of the house with my children in the middle of the night and my pastor would tell me to go back,” she said.
In need, Jane would return to her husband’s house the next day, early enough to help her children get ready for school and get ready for school herself as she was a teacher.
At the beginning of her marriage, everything was going well. They had had three children, great jobs, and lived a decent life.
But all changed when her husband began substance abuse.
“In 2001, he started going out more with friends at night. He started drinking alcohol, smoking bhang and cigarettes, then he became abusive and I didn’t know a day of peace since then,” she said.
She said her husband used to come back home drunk and cause a stir in the house, then chase her out of the house with the children late at night.
Jane would sometimes flee with her two daughters and leave her son behind because she was afraid their father would assault them
“We were living in Kibera and those days, the area was not safe. He would chase us out of the house and we would have to look for a place to stay for the night,” she said.
She recalled one night when she could only get accommodation at her friend’s house all the way on the other side of the railway in Kibera.
“I had one child on my back, the eldest was walking ahead of me and the other was firmly holding my hand. It was around 11 PM and I feared for our lives because the area around that railway, a place called Darajani was a hotspot for muggings and killings,’ she said.
Luckily, she met a couple of young men who recognised her as their former teacher. They helped her carry her children and get to her destination.
As always, she would return the next morning as she was told by her pastor. Once back home, the abuse would continue to intensify.
On one particular occasion, Jane’s husband returned home late and drunk and he forced himself on her.
“I was not willing to have sex with him and he forced me to. I remember him strangling me until I could barely breathe or scream. Afterwards, I wanted to leave the house but I thought it was too late and I was afraid he would even kill me if I told him that I was leaving,” she said.
The next day, Jane decided to flee to her sister’s house in Mountain View while her husband was at work and left her children behind.
Her sister sent her to their hometown where with the help of her elder brother, she filed a report at the Chief’s office and her husband was summoned to answer questions.
“He refused at first saying that the matter between them was a married couple but he later agreed to come. In front of my uncles and other elders, he went on his knees and begged for forgiveness from me. My uncles told me that since he has apologised, I should go back home,” she said.
His family also heard of this news and Jane said that they condemned her, calling her a prostitute. They said that she wanted to leave her marriage in order to be promiscuous.
After much deliberation, she agreed to go back to Nairobi but not to live with her husband. She would rent a house and live with her children.
Her husband agreed to this and said he would move in with them, and he would be a better man and father to the children.
That was just a facade he had put up in front of everyone because once they got back to Nairobi, Jane said he showed his true colours.
By this time, her husband had ruined her reputation as a teacher and a member of her community.
Jane said that he would harass her children into telling him where she had gone and then, he would show up wherever she was.
Be it at church, at school, or at her Chama, he would show up and embarrass her in front of everyone, calling her names and saying she was a prostitute.
“Things got really bad. He would hit me in front of the children without caring and sometimes he would get so drunk that he would urinate even in front of the children, in the living room,” she said.
One night, Jane awoke to find her husband holding a machete over her head, ready to slash her.
“I felt like God saved me that day because usually, I sleep with my phone in the bedroom but that night, it was in the living room. I screamed for help and my children took my phone and called my pastor to inform him about what was happening in the house,” she said.
The pastor called a few young men who lived close by and told them to go see what was happening at Jane’s house. They found the man wielding the weapon.
He was asked why he wanted to harm his wife and he said that it was an evil spirit that had come upon him.
After that incident, a friend of hers advised her to go to the District Officer to get help for her situation.
Image: SELINA TEYIE
She was connected to a counselor from the Center for Rights Education and Awareness (CREAW).
“The lawyer was shocked to hear that I was still in the same house with the man. They summoned him with a letter and he agreed to come to CREAW’s offices,” she said.
As usual, her husband asked for forgiveness and said he would reform. He promised to do his duty and provide for his family from then on.
He even agreed to go to a rehabilitation center where he stayed for a few months and when he returned, he seemed to have changed for the better.
“After a few weeks, he went back to his abusive nature. This time, he stopped going to work completely. He would go drinking with his friends, come back home, and demand food. When there was none, he would start the chaos again,” she said.
During the pandemic, schools were closed and Jane was unable to fend for her children.
“Fortunately, CREAW gave us a monthly stipend of Sh4,000 to help us make ends meet during that time. I decided to buy fruits to make juices and that helped me sustain my family,” she said.
Sometimes, Jane said, her husband would come to her business premises and insult her and her customers, telling them not to buy from a prostitute but after some time, they got used to him.
One day, when her daughters were coming home from school, her husband followed them and began to hurl insults at them.
“He was chasing after them, calling them prostitutes and asking them which man I was sleeping with these days in order to put food on the table. He demanded they take him to where I was,” she said.
Jane was at a friend’s house when her daughters arrived, shaken and crying. She recalled that all they asked of her was to leave their father.
“My daughters said ‘These pastors who tell you to stay with our dad are the same ones who will preach at your funeral telling us to take heart after our dad has killed you. They will not know what we are going through. You better leave now that you are still alive," she said.
“I knew then that I had to leave. I had to go away from here, probably move to another county and take my children with me,” she said.
She began to look for new houses and told her friends as well to help her hunt for houses.
“Just a week after that altercation with my girls, as we began looking for houses, he stopped going out.I thought that he was on to our plans and that he was pretending to be sick to get our sympathy," she said.
Jane said that he would just sleep on the couch all day, for two days.
"When I asked if he was alright, he said he was fine,” she said.
Unfortunately, Jane said, on the third day, he woke up with breathing difficulties, and before we could call for help, he was gone.
“That was October 2020. That was how violence ended in my life, unfortunately,” she said.
She is now on a journey of healing with the help of Counselors from CREAW who check on her every once in a while.
Because of her resilience, CREAW also gave her a grant of Sh300,000 under their Jasiri fund which she used to set up a school of her own in the Olympic area of Kibera.
She was also able to secure a loan of Sh23,000 from Kenya Women.
“I started my Care Center in 2008 with only three students but because of finances, I had to close it down. But with the grant, I was able to start it up again. Now we have over 110 students, seven teachers, and three subordinate staff with me being the school’s director,” she said.
Jane encourages women who are trapped in violence to muster the courage to leave, if not for their own sake, for their children.
“Even if you have nothing to your name, just leave. You will find well-wishers who are willing to help you start over but please, by all means, leave!” She concluded.