•Morris 46 years old is gay and married to a straight woman for 20 years.
•Kenyan sexologist and counselor says such cases are common.
Image: FILE
As a young boy, I was shy and felt more comfortable relating to girls. I played skipping rope and preferred to cook or knit instead of playing football, Morris* told the star.
He says while in school he felt weak around other boys and they usually made fun of him.
“Once, in primary school, a group of boys surrounded me and pinned me down to the ground to check if I was really a boy. It was humiliating,” he says.
He says things got worse as adolescence approached.
ESCAPE TO MASTURBATION AND PORNOGRAPHY
After circumcision, the community’s expectation is that the subsequent “natural” step for a young man is to show more interest in girls in preparation for courtship and marriage.
But, Morris' case was different. Unlike his age-mates, he felt no desire to follow this mapped route.
Instead, he was grappling with an addiction to masturbation and watching ‘gay porn'.
ESCAPE TO CHURCH
10 years later, his parents were on his case and they wanted him to marry a woman who would take care of them at their old age.
“I found an escape route when I became a 'born again' Christian. I constantly hid behind my religious convictions,” he says.
He prayed and fasted, but his attraction to men increased alarmingly.
Morris rose through the ranks in his church, the pressure to get married increased not only from his parents but also from the church community.
“It was expected of me, but I did not want it. I did not want that lifestyle, the heterosexual lifestyle," he narrates.
The church provided a temporary reprieve for his niggling 'problem' - an attraction to men
Escape to marriage
I thought I could ‘cure’ myself if I just married a lady from church.
He was eventually compelled to marry his girlfriend at the time, whom he admits that he did not love.
I prayed and fasted, but the attraction to men increased alarmingly. I could not sit next to a man in church without feeling horny.Morris*
And 20 years and four children later, Morris is still married — and still gay.
Like any responsible father, he says he loves his children unreservedly and that his sexuality has not in any way affected his relationship with them.
But the guilt of living a lie was so overwhelming that Morris decided to leave the church.
“I had to. I was teaching the congregation about the abomination of a man sleeping with another man. It was complete hypocrisy. I had to leave," he said.
His sexuality, however, has remained a closely guarded secret.
“Of course, I cannot tell anyone. The only people who know are those I have met along this walk or people I have had gay affairs with some even in the church."
He says he cannot socialise much because he does not want people to know his secret.
Does his wife suspect?
He says his wife has her suspicions especially since she often asks him why most of his phone conversations are with men.
Morris believes that she would find it difficult to confront that reality as she strongly condemns any hint of homosexuality in the church.
“We have not had sex in years, but I cannot leave her. I also love my children and I can never think of telling them that their father, whom they look up to and love, is gay," he says.
“So, what would you do if your children were gay?” The Star asked him.
"If my children were gay, though, I would understand their situation and simply counsel them because I know that this happens. After all, it happened to me,” he said.
Despite an outward display of being a happy family man, deep inside Morris is afraid he may never find real love.
As a 46-year-old gay man in a heterosexual marriage, he has resigned himself to meeting people who want to blackmail him with threats of exposing his secret something which he says has happened on three occasions or those not interested in a long-term relationship because he is too old.
Not uncommon in Kenya
Relationship counsellor and sexologist, Faith Mwangagi says there are many gay men who are married to women. And more often than not, their wives know about it.
“I have had a woman come to me and say she had no idea that her husband was gay. But after a few sessions, she confessed that she had seen the signs and chosen to ignore them,” she says.
Mwangangi says it is not easy for gay people to declare their homosexuality because of fear of reprisal (some have been physically attacked) and rejection on grounds that such sexual orientation is 'unnatural and un-African'.
“History hides a lot of what went on in African traditional society. Homosexuality did exist in traditional Africa. It was not the white man who brought it here. If anything, there are quite a number of sexual practices they took from us.”
She notes that there is a large number of gay men running around purporting to be straight.
“Women cannot afford to ignore their primal instinct, choosing instead to try to stifle the gayness of the man with hope and love,” she says.
The number of men coming out of the closet and declaring their sexual orientation is rising because, according to Mwangangi, society is increasingly allowing men to be who they really want to be.
“Everything comes out eventually; every deceptive foundation has an expiry date,” Faith said.