“I lost my daughter. She took her own life.” This is the story of Grace, a 43-year-old mother of two whom after five years of struggling to come into terms of how her fifteen-year daughter committed suicide has finally decided to speak up.
“For a long time, I couldn’t understand when it got so bad that she decided death was the best option. But what really haunts me is how I missed the signs because as a mother you are meant to be there for your child,” Grace says and although she pauses for a second, she takes a deep breathe and goes on.
“I had noticed that she was a bit withdrawn but at the time I attributed it to the fact that she was a teenager and they are known for their mood swings. I found her crying in her room one day and when I asked her what was wrong, she only said it was school. And once again, I assumed it was either a student or teacher had criticized her and she took it too personally or even that she discovered that the boy she likes doesn’t like her. Either way, I never thought it was anything to be concerned about because her grades were okay and that was life especially in school, some people will be mean. At the time, I thought maybe it was a life lesson she needed to learn.” At this point, tears start streaming down her face but she still carries on.
Grace is determined that she shares her daughter’s story because she later on discovered that it wasn’t just criticism, her daughter had been bullied at school to the extent that a teacher once had to intervene. But neither the teacher nor the school notified Grace.
She has since then made it her life’s mission to not only speak to parents be it in schools, church or even her own ‘chama’; seeking to educate them that not only is depression real but we must not avoid the topic of mental illness.
What about the perfect Life?
But it’s not always so obvious as Jacinta elaborates, “I was okay and things were okay, in fact better than okay. I was working at a top financial firm, making a very good salary and had been recently married. By all accounts, I was doing great. But I wasn’t happy.” And before you dismiss her as her friends did, claiming that she had it all and she was simply being delusional, Jacinta lost it all in the space of one year.
She found that she could no longer focus at work and the husband convinced that she was having an affair as she was no longer responsive to him left her, one month later she was fired.
It was at this point that Jacinta realized that she was in more trouble than she thought and she was admitted to a facility.
Jacinta wasn’t crazy; she just needed help. Three years down the line, Jacinta is not only working, she is planning a wedding having found a partner with whom she could share and who was ready to support her even attending therapy with her.
I didn’t want to see my baby a month after giving birth
Susan, on the other hand, recognized the red flag when one month after delivery to a healthy baby boy, she no longer wanted to hold him.
At first, she had been told that it was normal for most first time mothers experienced them same and it was probably just exhaustion.
But Susan knew it was much more as not only did she have a loving husband helping her but a full time nanny as well as family.
She was diagnosed with post partum depression.
This was part of the complex of perinatal depression which is much more serious than the “baby blues” (relatively mild depressive and anxiety symptoms that typically clear within two weeks after delivery) that many women experience after giving birth.
Women with perinatal depression experience full-blown major depression during pregnancy or after delivery (postpartum depression).
And often the feelings of extreme sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion that accompany perinatal depression may make it difficult for these new mothers to complete daily care activities for themselves and/or for their babies.
We just don’t take it seriously
“I remember telling my father that I might be depressed and him laughing saying that I am watching too much Western TV and I probably just needed to sleep,” Brian recounts. “And for a long time, I wasn’t able to get any help as no one was taking me seriously. And even after being diagnosed with depression to this date, my father insists that it was all a con and that I am wasting my money.”
Brian isn’t alone, his father is only but a representative of the wider society where majority do not consider mental illness as a ‘real problem’. People only consider mental illness as a box defined by a disheveled person probably with incomprehensible speech and violent tendencies requiring commitment to an insane asylum.
But there’s so much more to mental illness and perhaps one of the most common conditions yet easily overlooked is depression. It is more than having a couple of bad days or a teenager just being a teenager and when it comes to women it certainly isn’t her being emotional or being that time of the month.
Getting to know depressive disorders
Depressive disorders include major depressive disorder (including major depressive episode), persistent depressive disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, substance/medication-induced depressive disorder, depressive disorder due to another medical condition, other specified depressive disorder, and unspecified depressive disorder.
To qualify for a diagnosis of major depressive episode, the patient must meet criteria of five or more of the following symptoms have been present and documented during the same two-week period and represent a change from previous functioning:
1) Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad, empty, hopeless) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful)
2) Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation)
3) Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day
4) Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
5) Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
6) Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
8) Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
9) Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
Note: The episode should not be attributable to the physiological effects of a substance or to another medical condition.
Aside from antidepressants, several types of psychotherapy including counseling can help people with depression.
While other tips that may help you or a loved one during treatment for depression include trying to be active and exercise, setting realistic goals for yourself, trying to spend time with other people and confiding in a trusted friend or relative and trying not to isolate yourself, and let others help you.
