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Help! My boyfriend is a wanker!

Friday, October 26, 2012 - 00:00 -- BY VALENTINE NJOROGE

Hi Valentine

I am torn. My daughter is 17 and I am thinking on getting her that HPV vaccine. One of my friends thinks that this will encourage her to have sex. She said that if I am going to do that I might as well put her on the pill or have her fitted with a coil. What do you think?

Marion

Hi Marion,

I will start by congratulating you on your forward thinking parenting – well done! It is great that you are focused on your daughter’s sexual health and willing to have uncomfortable conversations with her.

There are about 80 strains of the Human Papilloma virus (HPV) and Dr Wanjiru Ndegwa at The Kileleshwa Medical Centre confirms that within two years of having sex about 70 per cent of the population will have a few strains of HPV.

She says ‘The strains to worry about are 16 and 18 as they are the ones that can result in cervical cancer.’ I asked if the vaccine protects against genital warts and she confirmed that it does.

There are two types of the vaccine available – Gardasil and Cervarix, with Cervarix being more readily available in Kenya and it costs about Sh3400.

So will it make your daughter have sex? Thousands of parents around the world are asking themselves the same thing. Robert Bednarczyk is a clinical investigator with the Kaiser Permanent Centre for Health Research and he recently co-authored a study that confirmed that there was ‘no difference’ in sexual activity when comparing girls who were vaccinated and those who were not. For more details on this, check out http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/15/hpv-vaccine-sexual-activity-stu...

There is so much that human beings can suffer from, I think it would be great to know that your daughter will never have to deal with cervical cancer or genital warts.

Regarding the pill or the coil (IUD) you may want to ask her what she wants to do, if she needs contraception in the first place and set up a meeting for her with a gynaecologist so she can explore her options. This step would also put her right in the mix of sexual responsibility, what it entails and what is at stake if one is careless.

I think what your friend is rightly concerned about is putting a teenage girl in a situation where she has to make adult decisions. Sex is not for children, they are simply not ready to have certain conversations like ‘please put on a condom’.

They do not have resources to cater for the responsibilities that surround a healthy sex life – STD screening, birth control and child rearing if it all goes wrong.

It is fantastic that you are talking candidly to your daughter and holding her hand through the process as she learns to take care and responsibility for her body. Again kudos on your parenting style… it is inspiring.

Valentine, my boyfriend told me that he still masturbates even though we have sex regularly. Am I doing something wrong? Is this normal? I thought that men only do that because they can’t get sex.

 Pauline

Aaaawww honey. It sounds to me like: You feel like you aren’t enough and that is why your boyfriend is fantasizing and exploring an aspect of his sexuality without you. If your sex life was better, he would leave his genitals to you and you alone.

Pauline, I am sorry but I think you have fallen for some hype about sex and masturbation. A lot of people I have spoken to about this view masturbation as completely separate from their sex lives.

Some people masturbate more when they are having regular sex because they are thinking about sex and their partner more frequently than they would if they were not having sex. I do not think that you have anything to worry about.

Incidentally, do you masturbate? Perhaps you and your man can do it together? You would learn so much from each other in terms of technique and it would add something different to your sexual repertoire. Think about it and let me know.