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My Wife Is Close To A Male Friend. Is She Cheating On Me?

Friday, May 13, 2011 - 00:00 -- BY VALENTINE NJOROGE

Hi Valentine

I have been reading your column faithfully and I am impressed with your informed responses.  I have been married for 13 years and we have two kids. I feel that our sex life is lacking as we can go weeks without having sex. I trust her and I’m faithful, but I think am the one who is not good at enticing her for lovemaking since she likes being told stories whereas nowadays I am with few words. She told me that my style is a bit mechanical thus I put her off.

 Recently she met a college mate at the evening classes she attends and they seem quite close such that they find time just to talk for long hours after class and even now when they are on holiday. She introduced me to him and as I said I trust her she told me there is nothing. However, I do not understand why for the first time in our marriage my physical being feels worried of the closeness. Is it possible for them to have an affair if I persist with my queries? When I ask she becomes agitated and tells me that the guy is just a friend and there is nothing. They communicate through SMS and since I asked she is now very possessive with her phone. I love her and I have invested in her education, getting her a job and I am still paying her fees.

 Please tell me what I should do or how to behave as she is now 34 and am 44, implying that she is discovering and she needs space. She insists that there is nothing and she can never cheat on me.

Is the age gap an issue? Is it why she seems to be getting closer to this person?

 

Victor

Victor you are so hurt by your wife and this situation and I am very sorry. I do not know whether or not she is cheating on you or whether or not she will. I can however tell you that you are not responsible for her actions. It is possible that there are gaps in the marriage that make her susceptible to this other man’s attention but ultimately the decision to cheat is hers, not yours.

You are unhappy about the state of your sex life, her growing closeness to another man, and her lack of communication about this issue. You have to tell her exactly how you are feeling. You might not want to do this as it makes you more vulnerable with a person who might be cheating on you, but marriage is not for cowards and you have step up.

Once you tell her then you can discuss ways to deal with this situation so that you are comfortable. It is not OK that she is secretive about a friendship with a man outside of your marriage. We get married and forsake all others for our partners. You are well within your rights to demand that either you be included in this friendship or she dumps her new friend. You are her husband, not her boyfriend and you can veto anything that she does that is disrespectful of you and your union. If you sprung up a friendship with a beautiful 24-year-old chick, your wife would be demanding that you dump her immediately. Talk to her.

 

Hey Valentine,

 My boyfriend of three years cheated on me and I only found out because he infected me with genital warts. How do I tell him?

 June

 

June! Are you serious? Why are you worrying about this dog’s feelings? I assume you have been to the doctor for a diagnosis and treatment so you know that genital warts are going to be with you for life? I am also going to assume that for this reason alone you are thinking it would be easier to stay with this guy because you now have an incurable disease in common. You are wrong. Dump him immediately, or give me his number and I will do it for you.

 You are lucky that the permanent and unwanted condition you got is not motherhood or HIV. Lose the super loser then email me. I’ll give you a template on how to tell new guys that you have this incurable thing to deal with.

 This may feel like the end of life as you know it and you are right. It is the end of having a cheating boyfriend and it is the beginning of taking your health into your own hands. You will figure out what anti-virals work best for you and you will go on to have fantastic sex with a man/men who are faithful to you. I am an email away and you can ask me anything.

 As for how to tell your now ex about the warts? Send him a text; don’t bother with good manners, people who give you warts don’t understand manners.