A few years ago, talk about women cheating or even the thought was not as prevalent as it is now. The idea still held by some is that women can live without sex a lot easier than men and thus we are not as driven by our sexual urges as men are. We are also thought to be a lot more emotional about sex so that affairs do not hold quite the same appeal.
But is that true? Do these ideas still hold in urban Kenya where women have more options on how to live their lives? Also when we do stray, what makes us do it?
The idea for this article came to me when I was reading a similar article on the Huffington Post. It occurred to me that I had not read about the infidelity of Kenyan women, though over the years I have heard many, many confessions. I have also heard them on the radio thanks to Maina and Kingang’i. So I thought I’d share what women have told me and of course conceal all identifying details so safeguard their identity.
He wouldn’t marry me
When I was in college I was dating a Somali guy who was obviously a Muslim. It had been about 3 years and he kept me hidden from his family because I am Christian. I offered to convert but still it seemed he had other issues that made his hesitate to marry me. I really loved him but soon one of classmates and I were hanging out and I cheated a few times. It felt good to be wanted without any excuses and I felt like I was getting a small revenge on this man who would not choose me publicly. Eventually we broke up but I don’t think he ever knew.
I was lonely
Being married for years is difficult. You change and grow and so does your partner and with us we just became different people. I got more involved with church and he never wanted to go. After having my kids I wanted to become fit and feel sexy and he just wanted to keep drinking and getting fat. We would have fun with our kids but that was all, I didn’t feel connected to him. I told him what I needed and I even started going out with him but he didn’t want to change. The funny thing is I started cheating on him with a guy in my Bible study. He and his wife were having problems and we connected. Sometimes I regret it but then I think that this other man has allowed me to stay married by easing the loneliness.
I just felt like it
This will make me sound like a bad person but I cheat when I travel. I am married, I run my own business and I travel a few times a year. The first time I slept with another man, it was a mistake, I was just having a drink in my hotel on the last day of my visit and I met a very hot man. We hit it off and soon we were in bed. After that I allowed myself to cheat when I travel. It’s my little secret and I feel safe because it is out of Kenya. I don’t know if my husband cheats but I would not be surprised, we are very similar people.
Boring sex
My husband and I were all over each other when we were dating. We had frequent sex but even then I knew he was not into trying new things. I was naïve to think that I could change him and that he would try to work on our marriage. He will not have sex with me on my period and when I was pregnant with our 3 kids he would not touch me. 3 pregnancies and nursing is a lot of time without sex. Now if I am lucky we have sex about twice a month. I have tried talking with him but he doesn’t talk. It’s like he thinks I am accusing him of something. I got frustrated but I want to keep my family together so occasionally I have an affair. I have been careful and it is never someone in our circle. I also tried to keep the affairs brief but recently I have fallen in love. He is an old friend from college who moved here from the US and we have been seeing each other for about a year. I am overwhelmed and I have no idea what I am doing. The whole thing is out of control.
He cheated
I just wanted revenge after I found out my husband was screwing some chick in his office. I am not going to leave him and destabilize my kids or my life but this time it was too much. Each time before I have forgiven him but this time is different. I went out in his car with some single friends and I met a guy. I shagged him in the parking lot. Now whenever I think my husband is cheating, I get my revenge. You might say it is childish but I feel better when I see him in that car that he loves so much.
He does not support us
I got married young. To an ambitious dreamer and kumbe that is all he is. He used to have these big ideas and I believed in him, thinking he had potential. But now years later, nothing and he has given up. He does not even pretend to look for work. Living with a man who cannot provide for his children, or even try to is very disheartening. Fees, food, the house, the car… it is all me. I can’t have sex with him because he is not what I was told a man is. He is my child. So I have affairs.
He can’t have kids
We got married right after college and said we would have kids when we turned 30 and got a mortgage. My husband started a very successful business and we were fine until we started trying to get pregnant. After a year I got checked and the doctor said I am fine but my husband would not go. In fact he started cheating and drinking a lot. The doctor said he was trying to prove that he is a man. I decided to have a child and to this day we pretend that that boy is his; he is even named after his father.
How to survive infidelity
Many might say that an African husband cannot forgive a cheating wife but I believe it depends on the reasons for cheating, the level of emotional maturity in each partner and the commitment to the marriage and family.
There is the breach of trust to contend with, the violation of the marriage bed and public humiliation if people find out that a man has been cuckolded. These may seem like insurmountable issues; but it is doable.
I think the first thing is to confess to everything that you have done. This does not mean telling your man all the gory sex details but rather owning what you did and talking about why it happened. He is definitely not to blame but he helped create the situation that led you to cheating. You must also be contrite and listen to how your behavior has hurt and affected your partner. He will speak when he is ready and you can’t rush this process, especially because you have proved yourself to be untrustworthy. You must cut off your lover. Finally be prepared for some awkward times in the marriage as your partner heals from this.
