The art of foreplay

Sex is an art and you are the artist. Consensual sex is fun — that much we know. Are you the kind of lover who dives right into the main meal before savouring the appetiser?

The other day an online friend, let's call him Hans, shared with me how broken he was after he found out that his dearly beloved wife had been getting cosy with a mutual friend. Interestingly, what hurt Hans the most was the thought of the foreplay preceding the deed. At this point, he had my attention and I wanted to know why the foreplay would hurt him so much.

Well, according to him, foreplay is a very intimate affair. He described his wife as a sensual lover and the thought of her exploring another man's erogenous zones as he devours her was killing him. "She's the kind of woman who will 'cum' during foreplay even without penetration," he offers. But wait a minute... What is foreplay? Is it a foreign concept or is it something our forefathers practised perhaps?

What's the science behind foreplay? Humans are sensual creatures and, according to David Premack, an American psychologist who was a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, the intuitive and gradual ramping up of foreplay has a scientific basis built on positive association. Premack discovered that while individual reinforcers, such as touch, are relative and highly subjective, we can all come to experience a particular stimulus as more reinforcing over time.

But before we start sounding like we are in a psychology or biology class, let's get closer home and explore how our bodies react to different stimuli, such as touch, kiss, caress. Needless to say, both sexes react differently to individual reinforcers. That is why a certain man will hug a woman passionately and get an erection, while it might take a woman a little longer to get aroused sexually (and science agrees), and it can hurt her if she is not ready for intercourse.

Foreplay is simply getting you into the mood, which it does by preparing both your body and mind for sex. This is where you need to know the erogenous zones of your partner to avoid shooting in the dark while hoping for the best. For the uninitiated, the erogenous zones are the most arousing places to touch, play with, lick or kiss on your partner. What turned on your previous lover might be a turn off with your current lover. Different strokes for different folks.

Foreplay can make sex all the more exciting as it creates a rush in the body, which leads to sexual arousal. I mean, who doesn't enjoy that feeling when every fibre in your being feels intoxicated with desire? That is why you start breathing more heavily and the pleasure caused by foreplay increases your heart rate and your pulse rate. It arouses your body by ushering blood flow to both the female and male genitalia. It also causes the woman to lubricate, which ensures she does not experience pain or suffer lacerations during intercourse. That is why it is important for a woman to have sufficient foreplay as it prepares her body for penetration.

Kissing, a major component of foreplay, causes your body to release the hormones oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine. These feel-good hormones don't only put you in the mood and strengthen the bond between you and your partner but have also been known to reduce stress.

There are different types of foreplay, and it all depends on what your partner enjoys, ranging from deep kissing to clitoral stroking to oral sex. For the lovers of oral sex, it is paramount to observe good hygiene to avoid turning off your partner. It is also important to know that the clitoris is very sensitive, and applying too much pressure on it can be a turn off.

Learn your partner's love-making language. Do they enjoy their neck being kissed or being fondled, and if yes, where? To be good at foreplay, every lover needs to know where to touch, how to do it and for how long to do it.

There's a right way to touch the boobs, for instance. Don't grab her nipples and start tuning them like the knobs from those old radios the previous generation loved listening to. She is a sensual being, not a radio. To enjoy your sex life, you both need to figure out the sexiest route to your arousal. Mastering the art of foreplay could lead to a more fulfilling sex life.

Cheers to more exciting foreplay!